LDS Women Converse

Step 2 of the 12 Steps: Hope. (Stop Anguishing! Start Hoping!)

2012-01-20T18:38:00.000-08:00

"At some point we must stop anguishing over what is wrong with us and rejoice in what is right within us." Wise words from LDS therapist, Wendy Ulrich in her book Forgiving Ourselves. We Mormons often wear guilt as a badge of honor and humility. But excessive guilt is not honorable; nor true humility. Rather, it's a form of anguish that leaves us languishing in a spiritual and emotional quagmire. Believe me, I know. Years ago, distorted guilt and anguish spiraled me into a bout of depression. Now, I'm careful and don't let anyone unnecessarily "guilt me."

"Huldah: Treasure the Word" by Elsbeth Young

The Second Step in the LDS Social Services "Twelve Steps" program echoes this idea: "Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health" (LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program, p. 7). In previous posts I've discussed the importance of the Twelve Step program in aiding our emotional and spiritual health. In this post I'll further discuss the notion of hope as a spiritual springboard to help and healing.

Our runaway guilt isolates us from God (I'm so bad, He must be mad at me) and sometimes from our family and friends--especially if addiction is involved. However, when we grasp a hope in God and hang on to it, we begin to see ourselves as the Lord sees us---through a more healthy spiritual lens. Thus, our hope grows and the cobwebs of distorted guilt and anguish begin to clear away. But in grasping hope, we've got to be bold. Hebrews 4:16 tells us, "Let us...come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

Bold, straight-talking prayer seeded my hope (for myself and in God) and caused it (and me) to bloom. I first felt the Lord's willingness to engage in "straight-talk" with me when I was 27-years-old. My husband and I had served continually and simultaneously in church leadership positions (while having 3 babies and juggling school), and I was burned out. I felt extremely guilty over my growing resentment toward my husband and the Church. Feeling hopeless and angry, I got on my knees and told the Lord, "I'm sorry, but I hate the Church!" The expected thunderbolt never came to strike me down. Rather, I felt the Spirit's compassionate response. Into my mind came the words, "Julie, stop putting the Church first in your marriage and your resentment will go away. You and Rick think your marriage comes first, but it doesn't. You compete with the Church for your husband's time and resources, and you lose out to the Church every time. No wonder you're resentful." From then on, I knew my Savior was a safe and soft place to fall. I could tell Him anything! And in telling Him anything, He would help me overcome everything. And in this knowledge, I began to stop anguishing in my guilt and come to a place of new hope and self acceptance.

Psychologist Lee Jampolsky elaborates on this principle:

The basic tenet of the addictive thought system is judgment: the belief that constantly analyzing, comparing criticizing, and condemning are traits that bring security and peace. In contrast, the loved-based thought system sees that peace of mind is obtained through the art of practicing acceptance. I have come to see that a certain phenomenon must occur before deep change--that is change that occurs on both the behavioral level and the feeling level--can occur. I call this phenomenon the paradox of change.

In order to truly change, we must first accept ourselves just as we are, without reservation. We must be able to see beyond our dysfunction and see our essential wholeness. If we do not approach ourselves with an attitude of acceptance and love, we beat ourselves up. As long as we beat ourselves up, positive deep change is impossible. The only change that occurs by condemning yourself is that you end up feeling worse about yourself (Healing the Addictive Mind, 1991, p. 63).

I have happily discovered that God is no wimp and can listen to and take straight, bold talk. In fact, I think He respects it. And anyone who has read even one page of scripture, knows that God dishes out straight, bold talk. Let's awaken to His grace by increasing our hope in Him and some self-acceptance of ourselves.

Hopefully,
Julie

Too Cold, Too Hot, Or Just Right?

2012-01-13T20:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I'm cold. I'll sit on the back row in Relief Societymeetings, avoid any real conversation, and then dash out the door as soon as Isay, "Amen." I'm always feeling shy and slightly anxious at theprospect of sitting next to sisters I don't know or who are casualacquaintances. (Even more bizarre, I'm slightly uncomfortable evensharing hymn books while singing!) For me, it's simply easier to smile atsisters from across the room and then wave a friendly "good-bye" frommy car as I race out of the parking lot. (I know, I sound horribly unfriendly and cold!) But, sometimes, I'm warm. I excel in small talk and polite conversation. Still, I have to make a conscious effort to be "warm" andengaging--especially among my Relief Society sisters. So I wince whenI hear fellow sisters talk about the unfriendliness or coldness of various wardRelief Society "climates."

In this post I'll discuss various communication climates within our individual ward Relief Societies--particularly climates surrounding the Sunday Relief Society lessons. This post is based on a presentation I gave for our stake Relief Societyleadership meeting last October. (As the 1st Counselor in our stake Relief Societypresidency, my stewardship involves the Sunday lessons instruction.) I will lay out my comments in the following order:

The various dimensions and degrees of communication climates
Their application to our ward Relief Societies
Waysin which we can foster more warmth and love in our ward Relief Society communication climates
The power of Relief Society presidencies, instructors, and audiencemembers' comments in fostering negative or positive climates

(Artist Unknown)

Communicationclimate refers to the social tone of a relationship or relationships withingroups. The climate doesn't involve specific activities as much as theway people feel about each other as they carry out those activities. Forexample, we know that lesson content in our Relief Society manuals is exactlythe same. But the presentation and context of the lesson differs in eachward due to the way in which the instructor presents the information and howthat message is received by the sisters in the audience.

In other words,it's not the lesson material that differs--it's the style, manner, and tone of the Relief Society instructor's delivery that determines positive or negative communication climates. It's also the way thesisters in the audience respond to the lesson content, to the instructor as a person, to the instructor's teaching style, and the sisters' feelings about each other as a whole. To top it off, sisters' comments during thelesson also positively or negatively affect the communication climate. Every class, every lesson,and every comment has the power to create a unifying communication climate or adiscordant one. Take a look at the sisters below. Let's assume this scenario takes places after a Sunday Relief Society lesson. What are thedifferent ways we could interpret this particular learning environment? Have you ever felt depressed or demoralized by comments made by the Relief Society instructor and/or comments from sisters in the audience? I know I have---I've played the roles of both women portrayed below.

(Artist Unknown)

Here are some comments I've heard over the years that have hurt other sisters:

"You're not a good Mormon unless you've read the entire Book of Mormon."
"Having sex outside of marriage is the sin next to murder." (A principle taught in the Book of Mormon, I know. However, I wonder how the young woman---who was investigating the Church and living with her boyfriend---felt when hearing that comment. I also cringed knowing that a less active young woman---who had gotten pregnant out of wedlock---sat silently behind me.)
"Your past mistakes and sins cannot make you stronger. They stunt your spiritual growth." (Not according to the Book of Mormon in Ether 12:27.)
"My children have all made wise choices because they didn't want to disappoint me. And we all know that my youngest is, well, practically perfect." (Yes, the instructor said this with a straight face.)

Surely, we must help each other discern and overcome sin during our Relief Society time together. However, for every sin we discuss, we should emphasizethe healing and redemptive power of Jesus Christ's atonement. Christ is our advocate and the all encompassing and powerful counterweight of hope and grace when our works and imperfectionsfail us. I wonder what would happen if Jesus Christ became the literal and permanent "centerpiece" on our Relief Society lesson table and lesson discussions? Surely, we would bask in such a loving, warm communication climate!

"Go Forth To Meet the Bridegroom"
by Elsbeth Young

Alma 26:16 says, "Therefore, let us glory, yea, we willglory in the Lord, yea, we will rejoice, for our joy is full, yea we willpraise God forever. Behold, who can glory too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much ofhis great power, and of his mercy, and of his long suffering towards thechildren of men? Behold, I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest partwhich I feel."

Should we not spend our precious Relief Society time rejoicing in our Savior rather than beating ourselves and others because of imperfections? Our gathering time should be a place of peace and safety assuring that none of our sisters leave feeling judged, demoralized, or shamed.

Let's now discuss how the following communication patterns determine a warm or cold communication climate:

The Warm: Righteousness and unity promoted from the doctrine outlined in the Churchapproved lesson material. A warm and loving Relief Society instructor who is sensitive to the feelings of the sisters in the room.

The Cold: Sometimes the Relief Society instructors's perception and meaning ofthe message can distort and undermine the true meaning of the lesson. Also, comments (and thus other perceptions) make from various sisters inthe audience during class discussion can further distort meaning and createdisharmony among the sisters during class. Finally, the sisters' perception of church "culture" vs. church doctrine during lessons and class discussions can further distort meaning, thus effectively undermining unity and harmony.

Communicationclimate is strongly related to job satisfaction and performance. This principle also applies to our Relief Society lessons and discussions. Just like the weather, communicationclimates can change from cloudy and stormy to warm and sunny in aninstant. One word, one comment can change the whole dynamic.

Why does somecommunication create a positive climate while other behavior has the oppositeeffect? The communication climate is determined by the degree to whichpeople see themselves as valued. How we speak and act in our Relief Society lessons and discussions matters. Many times sisters often quietly accept what isbeing said, but go home feeling discouraged or devalued.

(Artist Unknown)

Let's become moreaware of our communication climate to promote unity:

Climates ofdiscord: Evaluation, judgment, superiority, pride

Climates of unity: Love, mercy, the atonement, "We're all in this together"attitude, empathy, compassion

In my opinion,the sure-fire way to create positive communication climates is to invite theSpirit and encourage it to stay. When we speak of Jesus Christ, we can automatically invite theSpirit. If we put too much of ourfocus on our ability to "perfectly obey," we may too easily think of Christ's atonement as an "after thought." We can temper the"justice" tone with the "mercy" tone in our lessons andclass discussions by emphasizing Christ's power to heal and deliver us.

To further promote unity,we can emphasize the Savior's unconditional love for each one of us. Whenwe learn to love ourselves, we can more easily love others. As I've stated in previous posts, our HeavenlyFather expects us to be fallible and make mistakes. That's all part ofthe Plan of Salvation and the reason for Christ's atonement. Surely, we are allcapable of sin and righteousness. According to LDS therapist, Wendy Ulrich, we can promote unity and love by comingto some sort of self-acceptance of ourselves and each other, and be willing to do things imperfectly until we learn to do all things well (Ulrich,2009).

To further promotepeace, we can emphasize the coesistence of "good" or righteousness,and "bad" or sin/weaknesses within ourselves and in each other. I suggest the following:

Let's try toeliminate the "either/or" perceptions of each other during lessonsand class discussions. We're not all "bad" and we're not all"good."
We can accept that we are a combination of both our strengthsand weaknesses, successes and failures.
Being wrong or inept doesn't makeus bad. We can balance our awareness of our weaknesses with an awarenessof our strengths (Ulrich, 2009).

As I've stated before, we can createunity when we look to our Savior as a "measuring tool" forrighteousness, and not each other. None of us are completely whole, andthus we all need the healing grace of "the great physician," our Savior, Jesus Christ. Our Relief Society atmosphere can be a hospice for our emotionally sick and wounded selves rather than a prideful showcase for our individualand/or family obedience. When we make insensitive comments in terms of comparing our personal obedience to the commandments at the expense of the others, we foster competition and pride among our sisters.

When we teach anddiscuss from a position of strengthening and empowering ourselves and eachother through Christ's atonement, we create and generate a genuine love, peace, and unity in our ward Relief Societies.

Patricia Holland makes the following observation along these same lines in her 1985 Ensign article, "The Fruits of Peace." She said:

Moroni taught the same principle. 'Wherefore, my belovedbrethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may befilled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followersof his Son, Jesus Christ' (Moro. 7:48). As women, we have the choice and privilege to connect ourselves to God ina way whereby we draw his nourishing love down to our very roots. Suchpeace and power can then be extended to others. When we pollute thepowerful potential for love with our pettiness and our fears, then diseasereplaces emotional health and despondency replaces peace.

I believe that when we learn these principles, we can then qualify ourselves to build a city of Zion suitable for our Savior to dwell.

Ready to build?
Julie

Step One: "The Truth Shall Set You Free"

2011-12-15T15:48:00.000-08:00

Attending rehab for drug and sexual addiction, the young woman approached the podium to bear her testimony in her Utah ward's Sacrament meeting service. She talked honestly and courageously about her continued struggle with addiction. Sadly, someone in the congregation passed a note to this young woman's mother. It read, "How dare you let your daughter get up and say that!" I admired the mother's response: She immediately sent back the note with the reply, "Excuse me, but did Christ come for the saints or for the sinners?"

No wonder so many church members hide their addictions and/or struggles (or that of family members') to avoid such cruel judgment! I'd like to add to this brave mother's reply: Jesus Christ came for sinners and for saints because saints sin too. Yet in our attempts to carefully guard our "saintliness" among our fellow "saints," we often hide our sins and struggles. Talk about irony! In our supposed "community of saints," we often struggle alone.

Fortunately, the Church recognizes the need for a safe place to discuss our struggles. LDS Social Services has fashioned a Twelve Step program very similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. Step One emphasizes honesty for some of the reasons I mentioned above. It reads:

Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable (A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, 2005, p. 1).

"Mariana" by John William Waterhouse

Thus, in order to get well, we need to get honest--with ourselves, with others--and with God. Additionally, our spiritual and emotional growth depends on our ability to get honest--regardless of addiction. In previous posts I've discussed the disconnect regarding the Word of Wisdom and the notion of addiction in the minds of many Latter-Day Saints. In short, many, many of us suffer from addictive mindsets that manifest themselves in ways other than drug or alcohol use. In our ignorance and/or dishonesty, we continue to suffer as our lives and relationships spiral downward.

The Book of Mormon prophets recognized and described this ancient and modern problem using the metaphors "flaxen cords" and "chains." The Recovery Guide elaborates: With each act of dishonesty, we bound ourselves with 'flaxen cords' that soon became as strong as chains (2 Nephi 26:22). When we resorted to lies and secrecy, hoping to excuse ourselves or blame others, we weakened spiritually.

As a counselor in our stake Relief Society presidency, I attended an LDS conference on addiction and compulsion a few years back. Gratefully, I felt the Spirit teach me some timeless principles:

One of the troubles of a "secret life" is that it becomes a secret from the person who lives it. Only through the pain of acknowledgement and honesty do we find hope.
God loves us just the way we are, but He doesn't leave us this way. Pain will come but misery is optional.
Lasting change comes from heart power, not just will power. Our progress isn't so much about squelching bad behavior as nourishing the good. Recognize our weaknesses but also our strengths.
We are spiritual beings having human experiences.
In sharing our truths, we come to gradually accept each other. When others accept us, we begin to accept ourselves.
Our distorted attempts to meet our legitimate needs = compulsion and/or addiction.
When we gather the courage to see ourselves as we really are, we begin to see ourselves as God sees us. Thus, we feel more fully His unconditional love and we begin to love ourselves.

"Ophelia" by John William Waterhouse

The Recovery Guide emphasizes the need to let go of our pride and seek humility:

Pride and honesty cannot coexist. Pride is an illusion...it distorts the truth about things as they are, as they have been, and as they will be. As [we] become willing to admit the problems [we] face, [our] pride will gradually be replaced with humility. We lie to ourselves and to others. But we could not really fool ourselves. We pretended we were fine, full of bravado and excuses, but somewhere deep inside we knew. The Light of Christ continued to remind us. We knew we were sliding down a slippery slope toward greater and greater sorrow. Denying this truth was such hard work that it was a big relief finally to admit that we had a problem. Suddenly, we allowed a tiny opening for hope to slip in. When we chose to admit to ourselves that we had a problem and we became willing to seek support and help, we gave that hope a place to grow (p. 2).

President Ezra Taft Benson also discusses pride in his wonderful talk during the April 1989 General Conference:

Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God's. When we direct our pride toward God, it is the spirit of 'my will and not thine be done.' Our will in competition to God's will allow desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled (see Alma 38:12; 3 Nephi 12:30). The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives (see Helaman 12:6). They pit their perceptions of truth against God's great knowledge, their abilities versus God's priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works (Ensign, May 1989, p. 4).

But here's the kicker: We often don't recognize our feelings and actions as prideful. (After all, we're just trying to get through our day!) Due to our lack of knowledge and ability we continue to struggle--sinking deeper into pain. When we discover our distorted ways in attempting to quell our anxieties and discomforts, and then working to correct them, we experience the joy of recovery. Furthermore, we "saints" who showcase and profess our awesome "saintliness" within our wards and stakes (and to nonmembers) are also acting in shameful pride. Not only does this create enmity between ourselves and God, but enmity with our fellow church members and non-members to whom we associate.

Honesty really is the best policy!

Julie

Do You Have to Feel Wrong In Order to Feel Right?

2011-07-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

Head bowed, he started crying again. Afraid to reveal too much of himself, he spoke carefully. Listening to him, my heart was breaking along with his already broken one. "I never realized life would be so hard, and I'd be so unhappy," he said. (He wasn't even 20, but he talked as if he were an old man.) During the next several months, my husband and I tried to win his trust. And we knew he wanted to trust us. But he couldn't let go-- fear and denial held him back. But they also provided him with a temporary but false sense of relief: Denial assured him that he didn't really have a problem. (He claimed he'd just had "a lot of bad luck" in his life.) I flat out told him that he suffered from compulsion and addiction. He didn't believe me--and who could blame him? It takes real guts to admit self-defeating behaviors. Admitting his problem would expose his fear of having to change. Holding on to negative mindsets and behaviors is better than the risk of the unknown. (Or at least that's what we all tell ourselves.) But denial only produces more fear and more self-sabatoge. We lost touch with this wonderful young man when he moved out of our ward and out of California. Last I heard, he was still using drugs.

I understand his need to dull the anxiety and/or pain. It's easier to simply check out of life then to engage and problem solve. I have never broken the Word of Wisdom, thus I've never fallen prey to tobacco, drug, alcohol, or prescription drug abuse. Nevertheless, I have an addictive mindset. The LDS Twelve Steps program wasn't available 25 years ago, so I read a lot of books, got a Master's degree in Communication Studies, and prayed for understanding and spiritual strength. Consequently, I've overcome (for the most part) addictive and compulsive mindsets that led to my unhealthy behaviors. Namely, I had a real addiction to pleasing others, striving and maintaining a certain image, perfectionistic thinking, conflict avoidance, unnecessary shame, guilt, and fear, an inability to trust my own instincts, and feeling "less than." I've spent the last 25 years searching for and labeling these "emotional knots" and learning how to untie them. Happily, these burdens began to lift at the very second I began my "knot search." I still struggle with anxiety. Angry people still scare me. I still struggle in setting appropriate boundaries. But I don't have to feel wrong anymore to feel that I'm doing what's right.

The Shrine by John William Waterhouse

My addictive personality has its benefits: I am driven to succeed. (I'm no workaholic; I also like to waste time.) Once I set my mind on a particular goal, there's absolutely no stopping me. I get what I want. Period. I'm a formidable foe and a skilled peacemaker. I have a deep, satisfying relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ. (I should have; I've invested enormous amounts of time pursuing and building a relationship with Him.) But here's the never-ending downside: I don't have a good "balance meter." I still tend to live in an "either/or" world; once I start a goal, it's really, really hard to pull away and focus on anything else. I look at my addictive mindset as a wild horse: I'm learning to saddle and ride it in a free and open range rather than fence it in and/or break its spirit.

In my last few posts, I've pointed out that addictive and compulsive mindsets affect all of us in the LDS community. I've also discussed the LDS Twelve Step program, and its benefits for every member of the Church. Like me, most of us have addictive and/or compulsive mindsets without even realizing it. Dr. Lee Jampolski gives us a lot of definitional foundations to work with:

Most people would not call themselves addicts, yet it is my observation that addictive behavior is prevalent in our society. When we find ourselves frustrated, angry, and unhappy, we probably don't recognize that what is occurring could be the process of addiction [and compulsion]. And if we don't recognize an addiction, we dig a deeper hole for ourself in an attempt to escape the uncomfortable feelings. It is time to stop running away and to begin to look closer at what addiction is (Healing the Addictive Mind, 1991, p. 1).

Addiction is a compulsive and continuous searching for happiness outside of ourselves, despite the fact that contentment always eludes us. More precisely, addiction is a continued compulsive external search, despite the fact that such a pursuit always leads us into pain and conflict. If we are to reverse addictive behavior [or mindsets], we must begin to challenge the fundamental concepts of our ego, which are:

Guilt. Guilt is the belief that we have done something wrong, bad, and unforgivable. Guilt is based upon the belief that the past is inescapable and determines the future.
Shame. As guilt increases, we not only believe that we have done something bad, we begin to believe that we are bad.
Fear. Because of guilt and shame and the resulting feelings that we have done something wrong and are something wrong, we then become plagued with a fear of punishment. For some this translates into the fear of God; for others this manifests itself in the belief that they don't deserve love.

The Shadow Side of Sickness by John William Waterhouse

Guilt, shame and fear do a war dance together that leaves us with anxiety and feelings of emptiness, incompleteness, and hopelessness. The ego keeps us from examining itself too closely by making us believe that guilt and shame are so strong a pervasive that we could not possibly get beyond them. Because of fear we run from looking within ourselves, and we begin to look to people, places, activities, and possessions for our happiness. It is in this external search for peace of mind that the ego pushes us towards our first steps in addiction (p. 9).

Interestingly, Dr. Lee Jampolsky is the son of the famous psychiatrist, Dr. Gerald Jampolsky. Gerald was a functioning alcoholic, and Lee has overcome his own drug addictions. Both men are well versed in theoretical emotional health, but actually living emotionally well was a completely different experience. Furthermore, attaining good emotional health means overcoming fear. Lee Jampolsky says, "I have never seen addictive behavior occur where fear is not the driving force. Fear is the fuel upon which the addictive thought system runs" (p. 24).

Lee Jampolsky lists the core beliefs of the addictive thought system. In other words, these are unconscious fallacies we tell ourselves when trapped in an addictive mindset:

I am alone in a cruel, harsh, and unforgiving world. I am separate from everybody else.
If I want safety and peace of mind, I must judge others and be quick to defend myself.
My way is the right way. My perceptions are always factually correct. In order to feel good about myself, I need to be perfect all of the time.
Attack and defense are my only safety.
The past and the future are real and need to be constantly evaluated and worried about.
Guilt is inescapable because the past is real.
Mistakes call for judgment and punishment, not correction and learning.
Fear is real. Do not question it.
Other people are responsible for how I feel. The situation is the determiner of my experience.
If I am going to make it in this world, I must pit myself against others. Another's loss is my gain. My self-esteem depends on comparing myself with others.
I need something or someone outside of myself to make me complete and happy.
My self-esteem is based on pleasing you.
I can control other people's behavior (pp. 40-50).

We may or may not experience every one of these feelings. For instance, I've never been a "control freak," but I had a tendency to let others control me. Much of our emotional pain comes from believing we are not enough even though we were created to be "less than whole" for our mortal existence. I've learned that I can be whole while being imperfect.

Dr. Scott Peck gives further insight:

One way of looking at addictions is to see them as forms of idolatry. For the alcoholic the bottle becomes an idol. And idolatry comes in many different forms, some of which we're quite accustomed to recognize. So there are nondrug addictions, such as addictions to gambling or sex. The idolatry of money is another. Idolatry also comes in forms we are not accustomed to recognize as readily. One is the idolatry of family. Whenever it becomes more important to do or say what will keep the family matriarch or patriarch happy than it is to do or say what God wants you to do or say, we have fallen prey to the idolatry of family. Family togetherness has become an idol, and often a most oppressive one (Further Along the Road Less Traveled: The Unending Journey Toward Spiritual Growth, 1993, p. 136).

No wonder one of the Ten Commandments is to "put no other gods before me." Idolatry is a truly dangerous and miserable way to live. Again, we do this unconsciously and in a state of denial. Rarely, will a person admit to practicing this type of idolatry. He or she will go to great lengths to justify and defend his or her behavior. Indeed, the hardest part of getting well is to admit the problem. Are you tired of feeling "wrong?" Do you want to get real? If your answer is "yes," then it's time to examine what kind of idols you worship! :)

Here's to raising awareness,
Julie

The title of this post comes from Joyce Meyer.

No Pain, No Gain

2011-06-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

As a college instructor, my job is to inflict pain on my students--the pain of discipline and hard work. Student responses to pain consistently fall into two basic categories: those who are willing to submit to the pain and those who resist. The "submitters" graduate with a college degree. The "resisters" drop out. The more a student resists the pain, the lower his or her grade. Paradoxically, students who resist pain create a host of other pains: procrastination anxiety, patterns of failure, shame, guilt, etc. Thus, there's no escaping pain. College reflects our own lives in that we all have a tendency to work fairly hard to avoid life's inevitable emotional pain. And our attempts to avoid the pain, create more pain. Hence, our life's mission: Work the pain. When we submit to it, we master it.

Dr. Scott Peck discusses this notion in his book A World Waiting to Be Reborn: Civility Rediscovered. Like Adam and Eve, we too are driven from the pain free Garden of Eden to exist in the painful real world:

As a psychiatrist, what fascinates me is Genesis [chapter] 3, for this is the essential account of human psychospiritual evolution. Specifically, it is the story of how we humans evolved into consciousness. The first thing that happened after Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is that they became conscious. And having become conscious, they became conscious of themselves... they became self-conscious. How was it that God knew they had eaten the fruit? He knew precisely because they had become shy and modest--that is, self-conscious.

We come to yet another great truth that this rich story teaches us: We cannot go back to Eden. For the way is forever barred by cherubims with flaming swords. We cannot (except at the peril of our souls) reverse evolution. We can only go forward through the desert into deeper and ever-deeper levels of consciousness for our salvation.

In the Shadow of Your Wings by Daniel Gerhartz
This is such an important truth because an enormous amount of psychospiritual disease--including the abuse of drugs--arises out of the attempt to get back to Eden (1993, p. 15-16).

Accordingly, emotional and spiritual growth requires ever deeper levels of self-consciousness of our weaknesses and sin. And this ever increasing self-consciousness hurts. Therefore, our compulsions, addictions, or any negative behavior patterns are attempts to numb the pain of reality of our self-consciousness--a sort of temporary Garden of Eden. We use addictive behavior patterns to fog ourselves into deeper levels of unconsciousness which only serve to halt our progress. What's worse, reality always comes raging back.

Full blown drug addicts or alcoholics cannot hide their past trauma from society. We see their pain in the form of homelessness, spouse and child abuse, joblessness, bankruptcy, crime, rehab, etc. Eventually, societal laws force addicts to confront their pain (and the pain they inflict on others). For the rest of us, however, we manage to hide and/or function despite our pain. But that doesn't mean we don't have addictive mindsets as coping mechanisms. These behaviors manifest themselves in many forms. Dr. Lee Jampolsky in his book, Healing the Addictive Mind defines addiction:

There have been many uses of the word addiction, most in relation to chemical dependency. One of my goals with this book is to have you become more aware of the breadth of addiction. The professional community is in the process of shifting the definition of addiction so that it is broader. For example, leading medical experts in chemical dependency define addiction as 'continued compulsive use despite adverse consequences.' I feel that such a definition can be applied equally well to addiction to money, possessions, food, work, relationships, sex--or any other thing.

I believe that most of us, to some degree, have pockets of addiction in our lives. The extent to which we are stuck in our addictive patterns is the extent to which we inhibit our potential to love. If you have become tired of attempts to find hiding places from the world, long for relief from running faster on the treadmill, or realize that more does not equal happier, then this book is addressed to you (1991, p. XV).

A Light In the Dark by Daniel Gerhartz

As we know, addiction comes in all shapes and sizes. The following addictive mindsets are easier to hide but afflict many (dare I say most, if not all of us?) in our LDS community: eating, perfectionism, need for approval, attention, exercise, shopping, work, prescription medication, anger, internet, tv, addictive relationships, music...the list is long. (In short, fill in your own blank; engaging in any activity which interferes with your ability to function is an addiction and/or compulsion.) Addictive mindsets run in families and are passed from one generation to the next. Thus, we cope with pain in the way our family systems coped. The chain is broken only when we recognize and own are individual mindsets and learn healthy coping mechanisms. Wouldn't you agree then, that we're all in this together?!

When we examine our addictive and/or compulsive behavioral patterns/mindsets through this type of lens, we develop a much deeper sense of love and compassion for ourselves and others. Dr. Peck offers further insight into "desert life":

Consciousness and pain are inextricably interwoven. If someone has severe enough physical pain, what do we do? We give him an anesthetic to render him unconscious. Similarly, people will anesthetize themselves to deal with their emotional pain--either with drugs or, more commonly, through a variety of psychological tricks called defense mechanisms. While sometimes necessary--even life-saving--these defense mechanisms are more often employed in an unhealthy fashion to limit consciousness so as to ward off existential, 'legitmate' suffering. With imposed limitations of consciousness they then prevent the person from moving forward through the desert and becoming all that she or he can be. Conversely, psychotherapy--the healing of the psyche--is a process of relinquishing these defenses so as to directly face the painful issues of life.

So the further you proceed through the desert, the more conscious you become, the more healthy and 'saved' [salvation] and civil you are are, the more it will hurt. The desert is hard, and so people stop their journey--they burrow in the sand rather than deal with the prickly cactus, sharp rocks, heat, and snakes. So they discontinue their 'education.' But, as you go further into the desert--if you go far enough--you will begin to discover little patches of green, little oases that you had never seen before. And if you go still further, you may even discover some streams of living water underneath the sand, or if you go still further, you may even be able to fulfill your own ultimate destiny. Our best learning is to deal with the pain of the desert. You will become ever-more aware of the aging process working within you, more aware of your own sins and psychopathology. You will also become more aware of the psychopathology of others and the games they play--as well as the sorrows and burdens they bear. And finally you will become ever-more conscious of the sins and evils of society. That's the bad news.

Bathsheba by Elspeth Young
The good news is that simultaneously--paradoxically--you will experience more joy. These principles hold true for groups as well as individuals. Organizations, too, are either more or less conscious. Families, churches, businesses, and governments become sick by refusing to face painful realities. If they allow themselves to become conscious of their painful issues, however, then they can work on organizational healing and grow into painful but joyful maturity (p. 17). (Addiction: the Sacred Disease, 1991, Simon and Schuster Audioworks)

Dr. Peck further details our empowerment in genuine community, particularly A.A. and its Twelve Steps: "Alcohol is called 'spirits' and it is a spiritual disorder--a yearning for spirit. A.A. (or Alcoholics Anonymous) is therefore based on a Higher Power" (Audioworks, 1991). According to Peck, here's why it works:

The program teaches us why we need to go forward in the desert toward God. It gives us hope and is a form of spiritual, religious conversion. It's a tough program because of the resistance of its members which requires submission as the very First Step.
The program teaches us that we don't have to go through the desert alone. In short, we are a part of a community. We are all broken, and we can no longer hide our brokeness--thus, we are forced into community in healthy ways.
The program teaches us how to deal with pain. We learn to ask these questions: Is my suffering enhancing or limiting my existence? How would I behave if I didn't have this anxiety or guilt? Now, how do I act that way? (Audioworks, 1991).

Job, of the Old Testament, was an effective teacher of pain and how to master it using our Savior as the Higher Power. Like Job, as we learn to submit to and master our own pain, we increase our capacity to help others deal with their pain. Thus, the power of our LDS community increases exponentially! I've committed myself to this cause. Will you join me?

Hugs,

Julie

Hoping Is Better Than Coping

2011-06-28T18:29:00.000-07:00

Driving home from church, I tried not to cry. By the time I got home, I was sobbing. Our ward conference theme had emphasized our Church doctrine of perfection. And the analogy the stake presidency had used in their talks was painfully effective: A plane crashed into a mountain killing everyone aboard. The crash occurred because the pilots' calculations were off course by only two degrees. Thus, if we as Church members live our lives just two degrees off course....well....you get the idea. During that meeting, I reviewed my life. Yep, I was two degrees off course alright. So was my husband and kids. True, as a youth I had stayed out of trouble and married in the temple at age 21. My two oldest kids had served missions. And my two youngest kids were presently serving missions at the same time. None of it mattered. All I could think about was those two degrees. I didn't fault the stake presidency for my anxiety; they had spoken eternal truths. Thankfully, personal prayer brought me back to reality (and sanity) within a couple of days. A loving God reminded me of Christ's atonement along with two words (as a counter weight to the "two degrees"): hope and grace.

Mary Magdelene by Elsbeth Young

My last post discussed the emotional and spiritual growth available through the "Twelve Step" recovery program. Although designed for addiction, the Twelve Steps is applicable to us all. Who hasn't, at one time or another, struggled to some degree with compunctions or compulsions and/or addictive thought and behavioral patterns? None of us are immune. As I said earlier, the first of the Twelve Steps invokes us to get honest with ourselves in regard to our own limitations. We cannot heal ourselves without Christ's grace and atonement. Our works alone just can't cut it. (Yes, we tell ourselves this, but I imagine few of us live day in day out, fully aware of and basking in Christ's illuminating grace. I sure didn't--I was too busy obsessing over my works.) Once we sincerely get real, we're ready for the Second Step's key principle: HOPE. It says, Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health ("LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program," p. 7). My relentless focus on my imperfections eclipsed my hope--too often dismissing myself as a hopeless case.

Addicts are trapped in this same mindset: "Those of us who believed in God were convinced He was too disappointed in us to help" (LDS Family Services, p. 7). Do you feel the same way? No other mindset has impeded my emotional and spiritual progress as much as this one has. I spent years in prayer and scripture study before I finally understood this. The writings and lectures of Dr. Scott Peck really resonate with me. He further elaborates:

Nothing interferes with our spiritual growth and relationship with God more than our sense of unacceptability, unworthiness, unimportance, and unlovability. It's hard to accept ourselves; we don't feel acceptable enough to God to approach him. As the Bridegroom, the Savior says to us, 'Come with me.' But we say, 'No! No! No! I'm too fat, or I'm too wrinkled and ugly.' But in fact, we don't realize how very desirable and very important and very beautiful we are to Him ( Peck, Self-Love Vs. Self-Esteem, Simon & Schuster Audiotapes).

But here's the irony: In order to feel His love and acceptance, we need to get over ourselves and muster up the confidence and faith to approach the Savior and wrap ourselves in His grace. We have to "give it over to God" as they say in the Twelve Steps. Sounds easy enough, but it isn't. What's more, we have to do this again and again with each of our sins and weaknesses until we're perfected. Conversely, our shame and guilt perpetually undermine and sabatoge our hope for His deliverance. I refer to the Twelve Step manual:

For some of us this miracle (or deliverance) was almost instantaneous; for others, recovery has been more gradual. However it may occur for you, you will eventually be able to say with us that through 'steadfastness in Christ,' you are rescued from addiction (or whatever struggle we're having) and enjoy a 'perfect brightness of hope" (2 Nephi 31:20).

Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught of the power of the Lord to help you:

We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord's tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Nephi 1: 20). Some individuals who hear or read this message erroneously may discount or dismiss in their personal lives the availability of the tender mercies of the Lord. We may falsely think that such blessings and gifts are reserved for other people who appear to be more righteous or who serve in visible Church callings. I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us" (Ensign, May 2005, p. 106-7).

Most of us have heard of "Alcoholics Anonymous," the organization that devised the Twelve Steps. It was founded in 1935 by two recovering alcoholics in Akron, Ohio. Dr. Peck calls this movement one of the most significant in the 20th century. He also refers to this organization as the most "successful 'church' in America. They teach people wisdom and to learn how to distinguish between constructive and destructive suffering" (Simon & Schuster Audio). In recent years, the Church has also recognized this program's significance by integrating the Twelve Steps in LDS Social Services. As a stake Relief Society presidency, we also encourage the Twelve Steps to all of our sisters as a fruitful productive path to spiritual and emotional growth. Years ago, I ordered the LDS Twelve Step manual from lds.org and "worked" the program at home --not only for my own well-being but to enhance my teaching and ministering. Thus, I can personally testify of the immense power of these steps as they help us up the stairway ever closer to our Savior.

I'll close with one of my favorite scriptures (also included in Twelve Steps): Let us come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need" (Hebrews 4:16).

Got hope? Got boldness?
Julie

Climbing the Stairway to Heaven Begins with "The Twelve Steps"

2011-06-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

It was my turn to talk. "Why are you here, Julie?" asked the group facilitator. I answered, "I am here to help take the stigma out of attending the LDS Twelve Step Program for addiction. If people in our stake know that a member of the stake Relief Society presidency (meaning me) embraces the Twelve Steps, then maybe they will see some value in this program for themselves---regardless of whether or not they struggle with addiction. The Twelve Steps is all about the healing power of Christ's atonement and the healing power of community. We're only as sick as our secrets." All heads nodded in agreement--including my husband's. As a bishopric member, he, too, sees the program's value for spiritual growth.

The old Led Zepplin song "Stairway to Heaven" was a 70's classic and a Church dance favorite. I've decided that this stairway must include the "Twelve Steps" as our very first steps. If we are unwilling to conquer these particular steps, then we'll be forever stuck on the stairwell. Indeed, everyone associated with the Twelve Step Program feels an evangelical zeal to win converts into this journey of self-awareness. Group members experience genuine community on a deeper, more intimate level when sharing their deepest thoughts and feelings without fear and judgment. Surely, those first twelve steps on our individual stairways are profoundly difficult.

The Journey Together by Daniel Gerhartz

The first step in the Twelve Step Program emphasizes the importance of honesty with ourselves and with those around us. Its key principle states: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable ("LDS Family Services Guide," p. 1). Now, dear reader, before you assume that this principle is not applicable to you, substitute the word addictions for any of the following words: fear, shame, guilt, anger, regret, discouragement, anxiety, depression, worthlessness, pride....and on and on. Thus, we can see this key's validity in our lives. The manual also states:

To deny the seriousness of our condition and to avoid detection and the consequences of our choices, we tried to minimize or hide our behaviors. We did not realize that by deceiving others and ourselves, we slipped deeper.... Hoping to excuse ourselves or blame others, we weakened spiritually. We plunged into greater and greater isolation, separating ourselves from others, especially from God (p. 1).

We don't do this on a conscious level--and therein lies the problem. Or perhaps we've got some level of consciousness, but we minimize our behavioral impacts on ourselves and others. We can't fight and/or resolve what we don't know--or deny. Yes, knowing is painful. And changing is even more painful. But staying stuck is the most painful of all.

I've also come to believe that we need to conquer these steps as a collective group of Latter-Day-Saints. In order to prepare for Christ's Second Coming, we need to be a spiritually and emotionally prepared group akin to the collection of Saints in the City of Enoch. If we as individual members evolve in this manner, then our collective whole will reflect the same spiritual evolution. But in order to do this, we need to get real.

Dr. Scott Peck's profound insights are applicable to our LDS community when he calls all global citizens to "genuine community." Acknowledging the obvious need for individuation in our spiritual journey and responsibility for our own salvation, he also instills the importance of our call to wholeness:

We can never be completely whole without each other. We cannot be all things to ourselves and to others. We cannot be perfect. We cannot be doctors, lawyers, farmers, politicians, stonemasons, and theologians, all rolled into one. It is true that we are created to be individually unique. Yet, the reality is that we are inevitably social creatures who desperately need each other not merely for sustenance, not merely for company, but for any meaning to our lives whatsoever. These, then, are the paradoxical seeds from which community can grow.

So we are called to wholeness and simultaneously to recognition of our incompleteness; called to power and to acknowledge our weakness; called to both individuation and interdependence. We are weak and imperfect creatures who need each other. Individualism [in and of itself] encourages us to fake it. It encourages us to hide our weaknesses and failures. It teaches us to be utterly ashamed of our limitations. It drive us to attempt to be superwomen and supermen not only in the eyes of others but also in our own. It pushes us day in and day out to look as if we "had it all together," as if we were without needs and in total control of our lives. It relentlessly demands that we keep up appearances. It also relentlessly isolates us from each other. And it makes genuine community impossible ("The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace," pp. 56-57).

As members of the Church, our baptism and church activity reflects our commitment to each other and to the Church organization--or in other words, our worldwide "group" or "community." But we still have not attained genuine, authentic, loving community, in my opinion. Therefore, a basic underpinning of genuine community building is to acknowledge that we aren't there yet. As a collective whole, we do not have the unity and compassion that I've seen in Twelve Step groups. Where to begin? With the first of our collective "Twelve Steps": Honesty.

Let's get real by getting honest!
Julie

The Healing Power of Genuine Community

2011-06-09T13:28:00.000-07:00

"I feel so relieved after listening to your talk and hearing your experiences." And, "I thought I was the only one who struggled with this. Thank you for sharing your feelings." As a counselor in the stake Relief Society presidency and as a college instructor, I frequently hear these comments. I am willing to "put myself out there" and expose my weakness and vulnerability because I've come to understand the power of genuine community. (Hence, the reason for this blog!) Unfortunately, too many of us in our LDS community feel isolated and afraid to share our weaknesses and burdens with our ward and/or stake family. Why? Here's my list of reasons:

We fear judgment from fellow church members.
We suffer from the "Don't-make-me-look-bad-as-a-parent" syndrome. When our children are less than perfect or fail to "set a good example" for their peers, we feel shame and embarrassment.
We want to epitomize the ideal LDS woman and/or family whom everyone looks to with respect and admiration.
We don't want to look like or be "an outsider." We want to fit into the Mormon mold of having an eternal, loving marriage with the "correct" number of children (who, by the way, had better serve missions and get married in the temple or risk judgment from fellow church members).
If we don't live up to these ideals, we often feel that God is a little bit mad at us.

The Addiction Recovery Program of LDS Family Services discusses three basic needs in our lives "that we continually seek to satisfy":

The need to be safe. Feeling safe covers things such as knowing were our next meal is coming from, knowing we won't be thrown out of our homes, and knowing that no one will hurt us physically or emotionally.
The need to belong. We are part of a family unit, a church group, a work group, or a neighborhood. Belonging is so important that young teens will join gangs in order to get a sense of being a vital part of something. Our group is a place where we are seen, valued, and loved just for being a part of the group.
The need to be valued. We can be loved and valued for who we are and what we have to contribute. The need to be valued is met when someone says "ask so-and-so, they will know just how to do that," or "don't worry, so-and-so will never let us down." We don't have to be good at everything, but we do need to know that we can make a meaningful contribution or we will begin to feel worthless (LDS Family Services - Utah County North, p. 27).

In order to have healthy interpersonal relationships and a loving community of Saints, we need to meet these basic needs in appropriate ways. LDS Family Services further counsels:

When we know that others are always there to love us regardless of our choices or behaviors, we grow to trust them. By learning to recognize and state our needs clearly, we can become stable and attract stability from others. In this setting we can recognize where we are off balance. Our confidence in our Heavenly Father's plan and for that of others is strengthened. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love and value us. Their relationship with us has always been and will ever be real, secure, and healthy. Our goal becomes one of developing the same relationships with those around us. Our basic needs will be met and we will be part of meeting these same needs with others in ways that are appropriate and according to God's will (p. 27).

These concepts sound simple enough, but unless we are truly emotionally aware, we feed into hurtful and harmful communication patterns to build up our own fearful selves at the expense of another person's (as well as our children's) fearful self. As I've stated in previous posts, the only way I freed myself from fear (and to be a more effective instrument in helping others) was to begin by openly sharing my own struggles. I have no doubt that some people disapprove of my openness and directness. But it doesn't bother me anymore, and that, in and of itself, is freedom; I know I am loved by others--warts, wounds, and all. And, I know I'm giving the Lord more to work with by casting my fear upon Him.

In the Orchard by Daniel Gerhartz

Dr. Scott Peck discusses notions of community in terms of family and various types of community:

In and through community lies the salvation of the world. Nothing is more important. I need you, and you me, for salvation. We must come into community with each other. We need each other. True communication, like the charity it requires, begins at home. Perhaps peacemaking starts small. I have discovered its extreme importance in my own life and in the lives of thousands of my fellow humans as we struggle together to communicate without superficiality or distortion or animosity. Spiritual healing is a process of becoming whole or holy. Most specifically, I would define it as an ongoing process of becoming increasingly conscious. [We need] to make the unconscious conscious...those aspects of ourselves that we do not want to own or recognize and that we continually attempt to sweep under the rug of consciousness. It is no longer possible for us to save our own skins while remaining ignorant of our own motives and unconscious of our own cultures (The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace, p. 18-19).

I agree with Dr. Peck; I'm starting small in the peacemaking and community process by becoming conscious of my own thought and behavior patterns...and then talking about them. Let's give each other permission to be who we are and who we are meant to be. Let's give ourselves permission to be who we are. We cannot become sincerely loving toward ourselves and others unless we come to some sort of place of self-acceptance. I was in my 40's before I finally felt free to be me!

Here's to a "commitment to community,"

Julie

Carry On, Carry On, Carry On!

2011-03-01T20:32:00.001-08:00

We're all familiar with the phrase "one step forward, two steps back". Speaking for myself, there are times in my life when that phrase is my reality. Sometimes it's because life just happens. But sometimes I cause the setbacks, or at least allow them to happen, by being afraid or insecure, by giving up, by lacking self-discipline, or by sinning. Sometimes I'm actually afraid of progress or success. Yes, you read that correctly! What if I do something super-duper well, and then people expect me to continue producing at a high level, or even (gasp!) improve from there?? What if my success was just a fluke, an unrepeatable blip on the cosmic radar?!?

In reality, the Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us that our Heavenly Father sent us to this earth knowing we would move forward and slide back, trip and fall, learn and grow. And he wants us to ultimately succeed!! I love this scripture in the Doctrine & Covenants, section 117, verse 7:

Therefore, will I not make solitary places to bud and to blossom, and to bring forth in abundance? saith the Lord.

Gathering by Daniel Gerhartz

While this verse refers specifically to the Lord's promises to the early saints in their travails, doesn't it also apply to each one of us on our life's journey? Where are our solitary places? What do we do there? Do we go to them often enough that we can bud, blossom, and bring forth abundantly? Is our definition of success the same as the Lord's? Do we believe that the Lord will help us succeed? Or in other words, do we truly believe in His promise to lift us, save us (from our backward steps), and redeem us through our humble repentance and faith in Him?

Thankfully, Heavenly Father has given us all the tools we need to be successful in mortality and in the eternities. I'll list just a few:

1. THE PLAN OF SALVATION  The Plan of Salvation, or the Great Plan of Happiness, provides a savior, The Savior, who will help us achieve Eternal Life, (the ultimate success) through repentance and faith in Him.

2. THE RESTORED GOSPEL  The fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ has indeed been restored in these Latter Days, providing us with all the principles and ordinances necessary to succeed temporally and spiritually. (But really, all things are spiritual to the Lord. See D&C 29: 34)

3. THE HOLY GHOST  When we strive to keep the commandments, the Holy Ghost will abide with us, teach us truth, and comfort us. (John 14: 15-18) In D&C 88: 4, the Lord tells us that, "This Comforter is the promise I give unto you of eternal life, even the glory of the celestial kingdom." SUCCESS!!!

4. PRAYER & SCRIPTURE STUDY  Surely, prayer and scripture study are vital to our success, whether we do them in our solitary places, with our families, or in classes and groups. Through regular study and prayer, we in essence tell the Lord that we believe in His power to lead and guide us through revelation by the power of the Holy Ghost, whether to prophets past or present, or through personal revelation. Scripture study and prayer, together, are a form of work which shows our desire to do our part in gaining knowledge and guidance.

5. MODERN-DAY PROPHETS  As the saying goes, The Lord didn't tell Moses to build an ark, nor did he tell Isaiah to part the Red Sea. : ) While the doctrines of the gospel never change through the dispensations of time, the Lord leads and guides his children according to their needs and His purposes in their own times and in their unique challenges. Modern-day prophets are vital to living the gospel in these modern times. They tell us exactly what the Lord would say if He were here Himself. If we want to succeed, we will do as the Primary song says, "Follow the Prophet!"

6. EACH OTHER  John 13: 34 says, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." There is a LOT encompassed in that commandment to "love one another". Compassion, repentance, forgiveness, friendship, strength and fortification, giving each other the benefit of the doubt, playing, working, lifting, laughing, singing, teaching and being taught, serving, sacrificing, succoring and comforting, and on and on... Really- how could we make it through this life with any measure of success without each other?

I truly believe that the Lord loves us and desires that we have faith in Him and His promises. Because of who He is and what He has done, we can succeed! He tells us exactly that in John 14: 1-3. "Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also." (italics added)

May we all be blessed in our efforts to succeed, that when the Savior comes again He will receive us unto Himself!!

With Love,

Ariane

(The title of this post is taken from the chorus of Hymn #255 "Carry On" in the LDS Hymnbook.)

Writing Our Own "Title of Liberty"

2011-01-14T16:23:00.000-08:00

My last two posts have discussed the complications and negative subversive behavior that often plague women's friendships. My next few posts will address various ways in which we can transcend and thus transform our ways of relating to each other more ethically and honestly. I lean heavily on Phyllis Chesler's unflinching, courageous observations in her book, Woman's Inhumanity to Woman. When I read this book 15 years ago, her soothing honesty reassured me that I was not alone in my pain...nor in my complicity. To help in our transformation, I'll begin with two suggestions in this post:

Learn to hear and to tell each other the truth. Phyllis Chesler observes:

We have seen that women are aggressive, but in indirect ways and mainly toward other women. Since women depend upon each other for intimacy, they do not acknowledge that this is the case. Instead, girls and women often refrain from telling each other what they really think for fear of being offensive or "different." Authentic or independent thought or emotion might lead to disconnection, ostracism, and loss of status. Rather than risk this, girls and women talk behind each others' backs (p. 462).

Chesler makes a valid point when she says, "truth and peace do not often coexist. Telling the truth offends, startles, endangers, and upsets the status quo. Truth-tellers are considered dangerous. They do not play the game: they blow the whistle on it" (p. 462-63). Isn't it ironic how people (especially women) who dare speak truths are often labeled "contentious," "negative," and "unloving?" I have adopted Holocaust survivor and Jewish psychiatrist Victor Frankl's outlook: "I learned to love the truth more than I loved my own pride." Truth-telling is a common theme in my posts; it's the greatest form of empowerment in my own life. Here's another irony: truth hurts, but as Christ teaches, truth sets us free---individually and collectively. In my prayers, I've learned to ask the Lord to reveal hard truths to me. Even better, truth no longer scares me--whether those truths come from the Lord, my husband, my kids, my relatives, or my friends. I've learned that truth is much easier to live by than varnished truth or lies. Phyllis Chesler pulls no punches when she says:

Lying, in order to manipulate others, is an art. A liar-artist often believes her own lies---What she's saying must be true, no one has ever stopped her, she's been able to get away with false, unethical reports, she's even been rewarded for them. Emboldened by reward, she thinks that what she's saying HAS to be the truth; otherwise, the Empress is buck-naked, and the castle is a mere pack of cards, a fantastic sleight-of-hand trick---except that all the slandered women remain slandered. In one's own very small circle, the psychological executions are real (p. 464).

Whew! Harsh words! And she's so right; each one of us has been involved in this type of complicity to some degree. I admire Chesler's "take-no-prisoners" truth telling and "no excuses" bravery. We should all be so heroic. Surely, truth is rooted in examining our own motivations and behaviors toward other women. This seed germinates and flourishes as we admit to and tell each other our truths in addition to telling the truth. Otherwise, we stay mired in tainted, negative behaviors. My experience with women friends and acquaintances mirrors Chesler's:

Drift Off to Dream by Daniel Gerhartz
In order to survive as a woman, among women, one must speak carefully, cautiously, neutrally, indirectly; one must pay careful attention to what more socially powerful women have to say before one speaks; one must learn how to flatter, manipulate, agree with, and appease them. And, if one is hurt or offended by another woman, one does not say so outright; one expresses it indirectly, by turning others against her" (p. 461).

Aren't we tired of all of this drama and game-playing? I know I am. Unfortunately, and fortunately, I can play by these rules with great skill. With considerable difficulty, I'm adopting more constructive ways of communicating and relating to women....and teaching my daughters these skill sets.

Develop realistic attitudes and expectations in our relationships and friendships with other women.

Too often, I looked to my women friends as "substitute mothers." Chesler refers to them as "fairy godmothers" who are expected to make all that is wrong in our lives right. I was naive to think that if I were "good enough," I would never offend my women friends. I also convinced myself of their undying loyalty. Surely, they would never gossip about me---and I would never gossip about them. Wrong. If we rid ourselves of these unrealistic expectations, we will foster a deeper, more sincere way of relating to each other. Right or wrong, we need to guard ourselves against each other's frailties and foibles by becoming our own best friend. As Chesler says:

I understand that I cannot expect automatic or unconditional love, approval, or support from other women, and that I must expect instead their disapproval, envy, unacknowledged competition, fair-weather friendship, opportunism, cowardice, or indifference. I am trying hard to balance my new expectations against my earlier ones. I am trying to become realistic. Women [are not] my fairy godmothers...nor are they my evil stepmothers. They are only human beings with profound limitations, who also have the capacity to comfort and protect those who do not threaten them" (p. 462).

I agree with Chesler when she says that gossip, slander, and ostracism are major weapons of indirect aggression women use against each other. I'm still on the learning curve in censoring myself and behaving differently toward women. More importantly, I've learned to overcome my fear of offending by disconnecting from women who consistently manipulate, bully, compete, envy, etc. The result: I'm a whole lot happier! :)

My next post will offer more suggestions. Here's to a new "world peace!" ;)

Julie

The Inauthentic Niceness Syndrome

2010-11-21T20:47:00.000-08:00

"If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all," says Thumper rabbit in the movie Bambi. Sounds nice enough, right? Not to me. Unfortunately, we tend to promote this philosophy as the ideal. But it isn't...it's simply another form of oppression and tyranny. (I know what you're thinking: "Thumper??! An oppressive tyrant??! Get a grip, Julie!") Just stay with me, dear reader, and hear me out...:) Rather than speaking truthfully and ethically to each other, we suppress reality and truth in the name of inauthentic "niceness." With no constructive outlet, we're more likely to use subversive, underhanded dialogue and behavior in order to meet our individual and collective needs. Just look at the increasingly dangerous consequences of "political correctness"---from insidious suppression of free speech to ever greater encroachments on our civil rights---all in the name of civility and equality. As an instructor at San Jose State, I see the poison of politically correct doctrine pervading academia. And, as we all know, political correctness has served to further inflame cultural resentments, not alleviate them.

A Moment's Rest by Daniel Gerhartz

This poison of "inauthentic niceness" also pervades our LDS sisterhood. Our fearful inability to speak candidly about our personal truths (about ourselves and each other) undermines our sincerity and ability to love. To nourish a more healthy sisterhood, we must first recognize our need and ability to change, and then adopt new mindsets and communicative skills. Finally, we practice... and practice some more. Honing any new skill means failing a few times (perhaps many times) before we get it right.

In this particular post, I will discuss the unhealthy and negative unwritten "rules" or codes of conduct and speech within groups of women. These unwritten rules and expectations are just as applicable to LDS women's social groups, and when we work together in our church callings. As stated in my previous post, I've taught/teach interpersonal communication at San Jose State. Consequently, I'm very familiar with the communication strategies men and women use. And, I realize my observations and candor in this post will generate criticism from other women. Regardless, I seek to build stronger ties to each other; not to foster contention or guilt. A nd, I include my fragile, faulty self in this discussion. However, to rid ourselves of unethical speech and behavior, we've got to admit to and own our individual culpability. Surely, enormous amounts of negative energy are spent upholding these unhealthy mindsets. Listed below are some of these thought, speech, and behavioral patterns; a few are taken from Phyllis Chesler's book Woman's Inhumanity to Woman:

We must not show outward anger toward each other (it wouldn't be nice).

We must avoid direct confrontation (it isn't nice).

To diffuse our anger, we gossip, shun, avoid, or use other forms of indirect aggression. Any form of direct assertiveness is considered impolite.

We must be outwardly "kind" (meaning feigned kindness) regardless of how angry we feel or how badly another woman (or group of women) mistreats us.

If confronted with our bad behavior, we must deny it or pretend ignorance.

If there's no way to deny our bad behavior, then we can claim: "I'm just trying to be helpful."

To directly assert our wants and needs to another woman is impolite. Therefore, we must learn to read each other's minds in order to anticipate each other's needs. If we fail to accurately read minds, we can expect criticism.

We must pretend that we are incapable of being mean to another woman. Only boys and men engage in bullying, not women.

If we do admit our pettiness, meanness, or bullying toward another woman (or group of women), we must justify our bad behavior. Even better: Enlist other women to feel sorry for us and to "circle the wagons" against the woman who offends us.

If another woman disagrees with us that automatically means she doesn't like us.

We cannot show our sadness for too long of a time period. Otherwise, we may be perceived by other women as ungrateful or failing "to count our blessings."

We must not seem too happy or too contented lest we come off as boastful or prideful.

Groups of women must all "progress" together at the same time and at the same level. If a woman in our group "gets ahead" of us, we often feel threatened and feel the urge (often acting on it) to "cut her down to size"....our size. We must present an illusion of "equality" at all times.

Women must nurture and/or "mother" each other at all times. We must be careful in attempting to set boundaries with each other, or we may be perceived by other women as selfish and unwilling to serve/give.

We must choose an inauthentic "peace" or a path of least resistance in our interactions with each other. Otherwise, we may be perceived as aggressive or contentious.

We must think and act alike, or we will not be perceived as "unified." Difference equates to dissension and feels threatening.

After reading these unwritten "rules," perhaps you're thinking:

Who me?! No way! I would never be like that! (Yes, we engage in these behaviors at some point in our lives and in varying degrees---whether we admit it or not.)
Well, even if I do some of those things, I don't mean to hurt anybody. (Whether intended or not, the end result is still non-productive and still painful. And more often than not, our intention is to hurt another woman or group of women.)
Julie is just focusing on the negative aspects of women. She should focus on our positives. (We all have to own up and be accountable in order to move forward in a productive, constructive manner.)

Gee, is there hope for us? ;) Yes! Let's acknowledge and embrace our weak, imperfect, fragile, vulnerable little selves! :) It's ok that we're not ok all the time. The Lord doesn't expect this, so why should we? These unrealistic expectations of ourselves and each other simply encourage emotional and spiritual disease. I love the scripture Ether 12:27 in the Book of Mormon:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness, I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I love this passage because of its intimate and personal tone with our Savior, Jesus Christ. I feel like He's putting his divine, comforting, safe arm around us. He's fully aware of our tendencies to mean and snotty. :) But this scripture is hard evidence that He doesn't condemn us for it. Furthermore, He expects us to be weak; He "give[s] unto men (and women) weakness." Like men, women have their own brand of weakness. So why are we so horrified with ourselves and each other when we show weakness? Why do we have such difficulty talking about our differences? I think it's because we don't know how. And what we don't know, we fear. In my next post, I'll discuss ideas in promoting ethical and productive communication climates and patterns.

Here's to reforming Thumper,
Julie

"The Hardest Thing About Being a Woman is Having Women Friends"

2010-10-30T12:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, I confess. Sometimes I watch "The Real Housewives of New York City." My husband caught me sneaking a peek and sat down to watch with me. Within five minutes he proclaimed, "Oh, c'mon...this is so fake! Women aren't really that manipulative and catty." My response, "Oh yes they are!" He didn't believe me....and why should he? He's a man. :) Regardless, I've asked myself many times: Why are women our best friends, but also our worst enemies? As a counselor in our stake Relief Society presidency, I conference with various ward Relief Society presidencies and board members. Repeatedly, I hear this theme: "The sisters in our ward are wonderful women, but we have a real problem with pettiness and meanness toward each other." Yep, we women surely have a great capacity to love and nurture each other....and we can be just as mean and snotty. Our individual "pettiness radars" can spot a mean woman 15,000 miles away. Ironically, our personal radar malfunctions when gauging our own meanness toward other women. We don't see ourselves as mean--or we justify and continue our meanness anyway. Truly, with one push of a sensitive button, we can morph into the "grown-up" version of manipulative, snotty little "Mean Girls." Obviously, we hold enormous power over each other. So how can we use our power in more righteous, ethical ways? My next few posts will address this issue.

I'm fully aware of the "danger" and taboo against speaking so frankly about the dark side of our LDS sisterhood. Surely, this post will generate criticism from other women. Happily, I no longer cry "crocodile tears" when other women disapprove of me. :) Regardless, I feel the need to raise a type of "standard of liberty" to emancipate ourselves from this subversive, mean-spirited oppression. By denying and refusing to speak to each other about our annoyance, anger, resentment, etc., we thus communicate through a mask of inauthentic "niceness." But it isn't nice; it's simpy indirect forms of aggression. And it ain't pretty. Like Dr. Phil says, "We can't change what we don't acknowledge." Our denial feeds the dysfunction. And I surely include my catty, snotty self in this post as well! :) Hopefully we can obtain greater self-awareness, discipline, and courage to learn new communicative skill sets in order to minimize, if not eradicate our destructive thought and behavior patterns. Furthermore, when women claim complete innocence of (and in) their individual participation in negative dynamics, they are not being honest---with themselves or others.

I teach interpersonal communication, critical thinking, argumentation/debate, and other courses at San Jose State University. Communication study is what I do---it's my thing. Consequently, I know the games people play (especially women), and I know how to play them---exceedingly well. I don't say this to boast nor to confess; I have a point: Peacemaking and peacekeeping require every bit as much strategy, skill, and energy as conflict/war. Peacekeeping isn't the absence of conflict, but the presence of fairness and justice. Moreover, justice is effortful and fueled through positive energy rather than negative. Hence, I try hard to use my communication skills in attempts to set and maintain peaceful emotionally healthy boundaries for healthy relationships. At the end of the semester, I encourage my students to use their newly acquired skills in productive, constructive ways. Obviously, these same principles apply to small groups, larger communities, and global interactions.

The Weavers by Daniel Gerhartz

As "sisters in the gospel" we like to think (or at least hope) we refrain from sabotaging each other. We don't. When another woman threatens us in any way, we act out our fear and hostitlity through the following attitudes and/or behavioral patterns:  incessant neediness and self-pity, unrealistic and perfectionist expectations, pettiness and hypersensitivity, sanctimony and self-righteousness, and relentless judgment. The woman or women we target (or who target us) can be a casual acquaintance in our ward, women we work with in our callings, or our close friends.

Can I share a bit of my own history? By the time I reached my mid 30's, I backed off in my friendships with women. I'd spent too much time and negative energy feeling hurt, vengeful, angry, and defensive toward---get this---close girlfriends! (I totally get the term "frenemies.") I resented the relentless judging and comparing. For sure, I had pushed back with lots of gossiping. I was a "sad sack" alright! :) But, I was too afraid to directly confront women who hurt me. And perhaps they were too afraid to directly confront me. After all, direct confrontation wouldn't be "nice." (As if gossiping is any nicer....) A few years later, I decided I still needed/wanted closer connections to women friends. And I do have wonderful, nurturing women friends. But here's the difference: Having consciously worked to spiritually and emotionally evolve, I now have a greater capacity to live and love without needing the approval of women. If women have issues with me, I don't personalize it nearly as much anymore; I have found that most women's hostility stems from their own insecurities as they compare themselves to other women. Surely, each of us deals with some form of insecurity. However, measuring ourselves to other women only serves to increase our anxiety and resentment. When we choose to stop our harsh measurement and labels of other women as "less than me," "the same as me," or "better than me," our resentment and anger will vanish!

I have empowered myself by refusing to hand my power over to other women---regardless of how outwardly kind or benign they appear. When I finally decided to define myself on my own terms and by my own standards, I became my own best friend. In turn, I also became a much better friend. As I learned to set healthy boundaries my fear, vulnerability, and susceptibility to criticism, rejection, and gossip from other women no longer crippled me. I stopped trying to please and appease other women in order to be accepted or regarded as a "good" or "nice" LDS woman. Instead, I decided to leave that judgment up to husband, my kids, and my Heavenly Father. They were the ones who mattered most.  With increased self-respect, my insecurities no longer stifled my ability to love others unconditionally.  Consequently, I now use my stake calling to negotiate and broker a more peaceful, healthy communication climate among the sisters in our stake.

Feminist writer, Phyllis Chesler, in her book Woman's Inhumanity to Woman discusses her ostracism from her fellow feminists for writing this particular book. They considered Ms. Chesler traitorous to the feminist cause for "outing" women's oppression toward other women. Her feminist sisters insisted she stay within their ranks and talk the party line: Men were the total bad guys, not women. When Ms. Chesler refused, she was shunned by many of her feminist "sisters." By the same token, many of our Relief Society sisters suffer a similar fate:  We tend to feel threatened by other sisters who dare to be different. They dare to define themselves. They dare to question the unwritten behavioral rules/codes of their women friends and/or associates.  They dare to be their authentic selves without getting unwritten "permission" or approval from the group. When targeted women confront the hostile woman or group, denial and/or shunning is often the response. Ms. Chesler says thousands of studies show that when questioned or confronted, women tend to deny their subversive behavior.  Women's indirect aggression toward other women is their weapon of choice according to Ms. Chesler. Direct aggression is scarier, but easier to confront and therefore resolve.  Again, most women don't see direct confrontation as "nice." Indirect meanness is far more effective and "polite." Chesler discusses theses various subversive tactics:

Recent studies and crime statistics confirm that men are aggressive in direct and dramatic ways. Although most women are not directly or physically violent, women are highly aggressive but in indirect ways. The targets of such female aggression are not men--but other women and children (p. 2). Researchers in Europe, North America, and Australia have found that verbal and indirect aggression among girls and women includes name-calling, insulting, teasing, threatening, shutting the other out, becoming friends with another as revenge, ignoring, gossiping, telling bad stories behind a person's back, and trying to get others to dislike that person (p. 3). As among men, power struggles among female peers can be very fierce (p. 380).

In my subsequent posts, I will further my discussion regarding this issue. The painting I've showcased in this post is called "The Weavers" by Daniel Gerhartz. What do we weave? As LDS sisters, we surely weave both beautiful and not so beautiful (sometimes pretty ugly) threads into our Relief Society fabric. Again, my intention is not to foster guilt or contention. I want to empower us individually and collectively. I end this post with Ms. Chesler's words:

Given the reality of female oppression, how women treat each other matters more, not less. I want my readers to acknowledge that what women do or refuse to do for other women matters deeply. I want women to understand that we have real power over each other. I want women to use this power consciously and ethically (p. 6).

Here's to weaving our own "Title of Liberty,"
Julie

P.S. The title of this post comes from the movie "An American Quilt."

Got Emotional Indigestion?

2010-10-07T18:55:00.000-07:00

I've spent too much of my life feeling guilty for feeling angry. And I've spent too much time feeling needless anger. Too afraid to confront perceived injustices, I morphed into self-pity mode instead--which effectively increased my anger...and suffering. For "good measure" and to "atone," I added guilt to my toxicity. Thankfully, divine intervention led me to the field of Communication Studies. I learned how to analyze the emotion of anger as well as its root causes. And I slowly peeled off the label "unChristlike" for feeling this God-given emotion. While permitting myself to feel other emotions (love, sadness, happiness, guilt), feeling anger was taboo. Yet, anger can be a constructive emotion: it helps us perceive (and thus, prevent) abuse, injustice, and incivility--whether to our own selves or others. But here's the rub: most of our anger is rooted in our perception. Therefore, if our perception is distorted, our anger will be too. Julia Wood, in her book, Interpersonal Communication and Everyday Encounters defines perception as "an active process of creating meaning by selecting, organizing, and interpreting people, objects, events, situation, and activities. We consciously select the infinite number of stimuli around us" (p. 71). There's that word "conscious" again. In my previous posts, I quoted Victor Frankl and Eckhart Tolle and their notions of "conscious suffering." Truly, we invest a lot of energy constructing meanings out of our perceptions. It's not a passive act. Additionally, our self concept (or perception of our own selves) acts as a filter in terms of which stimuli we choose to select and interpret. Indeed, when we become conscious of our perceptions and thus our choices, we empower ourselves by choosing whether or not to suffer.

My first step to empowerment was learning to recognize my anger as anger. Anne Lamont, in her article, "Where Do I Start," talks about finding and becoming our authentic selves through reframing our perception linked to our anger:

You are going to have to deal with whatever fugitive anger that still needs to be examined--it may not look like anger; it may look like compulsive dieting or bingeing or exercising or shopping. But you must find a path and a person to help you deal with that anger. It will not be a Hallmark card. It is not the yellow brick road, with lovely trees on both sides, constant sunshine, birdsong, friends. It is going to be unbelievably hard some days--like the rawness of birth, all that blood and those fluids and shouting horrible terrible things--but then there will be that wonderful child right in the middle. And that wonderful child is you, with your exact mind and butt and thighs and goofy greatness.

Looking Back by Daniel Gerhartz
Dealing with your rage and grief will give you life. That is both the good news and the bad news: The solution is at hand. Whatever the great dilemma exists is where the great growth is, too. It would be very nice for nervous types like me if things were black-and-white, and you could tell where one thing ended and the next thing began, but as Einstein taught us, everything in the future and the past is right here now. There's always something ending and something beginning. Yet in the very center is the truth of your spiritual identity: is YOU. Fabulous, hilarious, darling, screwed-up you. Beloved of God and of your truest deepest self, the self that is revealed when tears wash off the makeup and grime. The self that is revealed when dealing with your anger blows through all the calcification in your soul's pipes. The self that is revealed in divine feminine energy.... [You] are divine. I absolutely promise" (Oprah Magazine, Vol. 10, p. 182, 234).

Are you tired of negative energy? I refer again to scriptural wisdom: A bitter root produces bitter fruit. LDS Social Services offers additional suggestions in identifying bitter roots:

Look beneath our anger.

What are the underlying feelings beneath our anger?
Anger is often expressed in place of feelings:

Hurt
Fear
Embarrassment
Rejection
Vulnerability
Any attack on our sense of self-worth or well-being ("Strengthening Marriage" manual).

In other words, anger management adheres to this basic life law: Once we determine a problem, we can find and work toward a solution. Here's my list of solutions based on my own experience:

When we share our underlying feelings, often it is easier to resolve conflict within ourselves and with others.
Try talking about what we're really feeling without using the word "anger."
Pull back and analyze the true source of our anger. Chances are, the immediate situation or person acts as an anger trigger, but not necessarily the source.
Identify the unfulfilled need. Anger and rage signal unfilled needs that need to be addressed. Whatever the case, we need to know our needs in order to fulfill them.
Identify a constructive alternative action. Before fully embracing our anger, ask ourselves: What can I do to feel good about myself rather than guilty and ashamed for unresolved and unproductive anger?
Take specific action. Find the courage and resolve to empower ourselves by working through and transcending our anger.
Rid ourselves of "all-or-nothing" and "either/or" thinking. We are never either "good" or "bad," or completely "wrong" or "right." This type of perception is unproductive and negative.

I feel free when I diagnose my anger without it "diagnosing" or defining me. And I no longer chastise myself for feeling angry at times---but I quickly give it the boot! Too easily and too quickly, my anger can turn toxic. Kristin Armstrong, ex-wife of cyclist Lance Armstrong, wrote about her struggle with pain and anger following their divorce:

If we carry our emotional pain too long or too far, we risk being stunted. Like the roots of a plant in desperate need of repotting, we can become so tightly tangled that we remain bound in the shape of our former container, even after we transplant our lives (Oprah Magazine, Feb. 2007, p. 168).

I don't want a bitter root to contaminate my life or the lives of my loved ones. I love the profound observation of writer Malachy McCourt: "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

What are you ingesting? Let's rid ourselves of indigestion! :)

Julie

Think About What You're Thinking About

2010-10-01T22:30:00.000-07:00

Years ago, I felt responsible for everyone's feelings. (Ironically, I felt little responsibility for my own.) I lived in a constant state of reactive thinking and feeling. Consequently, my actions were often reactive as well. I wasn't consciously aware of this cause/effect thought pattern. Nevertheless, a juggernaut of anger and resentment eventually welled within me. I was mad at my own helplessness and my perceived injustices from others. When I finally began to "think about what I was thinking about," I changed my perceptions.... I got off that Ferris-wheel of endless, turbulent drama....and all my motion-sickness that went with it!

In my last post, I discussed the connection between suffering and our perception of outward or temporal circumstance. In my next few posts, I'll discuss the connection between suffering and our perception of other people. Why should we suffer needlessly due to our thought processes rooted in distorted perceptions? The scriptures tell us repeatedly that a bitter root brings forth bitter fruit. When we apply this metaphor to our individual perceptions toward one another, we're able to see truths about ourselves (and thus, others) with more clarity. Too often, we assume our perception is unconditional truth when it is not. Eckhart Tolle, in his book A New Earth says we can empower ourselves through conscious suffering. In other words, we choose our suffering by becoming less emotionally reactive:

You can only be in a state of nonreaction if you can recognize someone's behavior as coming from the ego [their ego and your own], as being an expression of the collective human dysfunction. When you realize it's not personal, there is no longer a compulsion to react as if it were. By not reacting to the ego, you will often be able to bring out the sanity in others, which is the unconditional consciousness as opposed to the conditioned. At times, you may have to take practical steps to protect yourself from deeply unconscious people. This you can do without making them into enemies. Your greatest protection, however, is being conscious. Somebody becomes an enemy if you personalize the unconsciousness that is the ego. Nonreaction is not weakness but strength. Another word for nonreaction is forgiveness (p. 62).

When I refuse to "own" the emotions of a family member, friend, colleague, student, acquaintance, or stranger, I feel emancipated. We can refuse (nonreact) the emotional toxicity of another person---we don't reject the person, just the toxicity. By the same token, I don't hold others responsible for my own feelings or emotions. One way I "check" before feeling angry or hurt is to ask myself the following questions: Could it be that the mistakes of others are not really mistakes, but simply my own perception? Is it possible that the mistakes I make are not really mistakes, but simply my own distorted perception? Truly, we are the captains of our individual emotional ships---no one else. By consciously commanding what emotions I allow on my ship and which ones are thrown overboard, I become accountable. And accountability reduces suffering. Like any other skill set, perceptional change requires practice and discipline.

Tears In a Bottle by Daniel Gerhartz

Let me delve a little deeper into the waters of accountability. By refusing to be accountable, we can justify any and every emotion we feel. This thought process leads us to justify any action. Think about it: even murderers justify their actions. Again, I refer to Eckhart Tolle:

A person in the grip of ego does not recognize suffering as suffering, but will look upon it as the only appropriate response in any given situation. The ego in its blindness is incapable of seeing the suffering it inflicts on itself [meaning self-inflicted suffering] and on others. Unhappiness is an ego-created mental-emotional disease that has reached epidemic proportions. It is the inner equivalent of the environmental pollution of our planet. Negative states such as anger, anxiety, hatred, resentment, discontent, envy, jealousy, and so on, are not recognized as negative but as totally justified and are further misperceived not as self-created but as caused by someone else or some external factor. "I am holding you responsible for my pain."

If, in the midst of negativity, you are able to realize, "At this moment I am creating suffering for myself"....it will open up infinite possibilities which come to you when there is awareness--- other vastly more intelligent ways of dealing with any situation. You will be free to let go of your unhappiness the moment you recognize it as unintelligent. Negativity is not intelligent. Shakespeare said, "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" (p. 110-112).

Whew! It took me a l-o-o-o-n-g time to finally get that! Mr. Tolle also lists "the most common unconscious thoughts that feed the feeling of discontent or background resentment" in our day-to-day living:

Whenever there is unhappiness in the background or foreground of your life, you can see which one of these thoughts applies and to your personal situation:

"There is something that needs to happen in my life before I can be at peace (happy, fulfilled, etc.). And I resent that it hasn't happened yet. Maybe my resentment will finally make it happen."

"Something happened in the past that should not have happened, and I resent that. If that hadn't happened, I would be at peace now."

"Something is happening now that should not be happening, and it is preventing me from being at peace now."

Often the unconscious beliefs are directed toward a person and so "happening" becomes "doing":

"You should do this or that so that I can be at peace. And I resent that you haven't done it yet. Maybe my resentment will make you do it."

"Something you (or I) did, said, or failed to do in the past is preventing me from being at peace now."

"What you are doing or failing to do now is preventing me from being at peace."

Mr. Tolle explains that "all of the above are assumptions, unexamined thoughts that are confused with reality. They are stories the [our] ego creates to convince you that you cannot be at peace now or fully yourself now" (p. 112-114). I made the conscious effort to be accountable for my own feelings, and thus take full responsibility for my subsequent actions. True, it's easier to blame others for our emotions; we're relieved of responsibility (and thus suffering) in the short run. Yet, as with any life principle, productive, constructive hard work (whether physical or emotional) pays off.... our muscles might hurt, but that kind of hurt feels good! :)

Happiness always,
Julie

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Wanna Go Sailing? Face, Brace, and Then Embrace!

2010-09-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

"In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning." These words from Viktor Frankl changed my life! A Jewish psychiatrist from Vienna, Dr. Frankl endured the Nazi horrors at Auschwitz. When freed, he wrote Man's Search for Meaning in an effort to find meaning in the Holocaust. His conclusion: There was no meaning. There was no purpose. Yet, in efforts to retain his sanity, Frankl (and many of his fellow prisoners) found meaning in his own suffering. His profound insights helped me in reframing my own perceptions. Rather than recoil from inevitable suffering, I now face and embrace it as a means of spiritual growth. I don't even call it "suffering" anymore. I've relabled it as an "opportunity to transcend myself." I'm not talking about needless suffering or martyrdom which is masochistic, self-serving, and manipulative. I'm talking about the inordinate amount of time and energy we all spend in attempts to avoid pain and suffering---and we get nowhere. I finally decided to use my suffering as a means to getting somewhere. But before I could utilize my suffering, I had to legitimize my suffering.

Rocky Point by Daniel Gerhartz

Dr. Frankl clarifies this idea: "The 'size' of human suffering is absolutely relative. Suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little" (p. 64). Wow! Is Frankl actually validating my suffering as "real"----and not just a failure to "count my blessings?!" Gee, what a relief! I can't count the number of guilt trips I traveled---wearing a heavy backpack that read: "Property of Julie Hawker who is a weak and ungrateful person." I felt silly and stupid in my "insignificant" suffering. (Think about it: How many times do we tell each other at church that our suffering doesn't really matter compared to our Mormon pioneers and ancestors? I don't want to dismiss their terrible suffering, but dismissing our own isn't healthy either.) Here's what my self-defeating logic looked like in syllogistic form:

Major Premise: Either my suffering is legitimate or irrelevant.
Minor Premise: Victims of war, starvation, sickness, and criminal cruelty legitimately suffer.
Conclusion: Therefore, my "suffering" is irrelevant because I'm not a victim of that type of circumstance. (But I still feel pain and therefore, suffer.)

Years passed before I could see the fallacy in my circular reasoning; like a dog chasing its own tail. The only thing my faulty logic did was to perpetuate my guilt and increase my "suffering" all the more! Yes, gratitude helps to alleviate our pain, but I was stuck in a dichotomous pattern of thinking. Besides, what right did I have to suffer in my ordinary circumstances brought on by my ordinary life? When I finally gave myself permission to suffer (and with Dr. Frankl as my role model), I learned to use my pain as a transcendental tool. He further elaborates:

"When a man finds that it is his destiny to suffer, he will have to accept his suffering as a task; his single and unique task. He will have to acknowledge the fact that even in suffering he is unique and alone in the universe. No one can relieve him of his suffering or suffer in his place. His unique burden lies within the way in which he bears his burden. For us as prisoners...these thoughts were not speculations. They were the only thoughts that could be of help to us. They kept us from despair, even when there seemed no chance of coming out of it alive. Suffering had become a task on which we did not want to turn our backs. We had realized its hidden opportunities for achievement....the greatest courage, the courage to suffer" (p. 99).

Dr. Frankl takes this notion a step further. He says we can choose our own attitude in any set of circumstances. Even in the terrible contraints of a Nazi death camp, humans have a choice of action:

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's atttitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. And every hour offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your inner freedom. Naturally only a few people were capable of reaching great spiritual heights. But they were given the chance to attain human greatness through their apparent worldly failure and death, an accomplishment which in ordinary circumstances they would have never achieved. One could make a victory of those experiences turning life into a inner triumph, or one could ignore the challenge and simply vegetate, as did the majority of the prisoners" (p. 94).

Surely, most if not all of us are familiar with the first line of the above quote. For me, the lines that followed were unfamiliar until I read Dr. Frankl's entire book. The idea of embracing rather than enduring suffering to promote my spiritual and emotional growth completely changed me. With Jesus Christ as my tutor, I suffer to empower. To do so, I ask myself the following questions:

What can I do with this pain?
How can I use this pain to help me?
What meaning is there for me in this pain or in this wound?

Awaiting His Return by Daniel Gerhartz

Authors Dorothy and Julie Firman in their book, Healing the Relationship discuss the nature of wounds and suffering When we view our suffering through a healthy perspective, our wounds become valuable. We learn about pain and suffering and recovery from our pain. When this becomes our strength, our wounds take on new meaning. The authors state:

"As hard as it is to believe, every wound may be considered sacred. It guides us, as a beacon to our own growth, our own strength, our own uniqueness. Part of who we truly are is our own version of pain, our reaction to it, our interpretation of it and our healing from it. While it is convenient to think of a wound as the problem, the reason why 'I can't (do/be) this or that,' an obstacle to growth, it may be enlightening and relieving to realize that it is a part of our growth. The sail on a sailboat is an obstacle to the wind. It blocks the free flow of the wind. Yet because of blocking the wind, it moves the sailboat. Without that obstacle the sailboat could not move. And so, too, for each woman who has a wound. It will help define, in an expanded way, who you are and can be" (p. 126).

Truly, we can be proactive rather than victimized in our suffering. Rather than expending all my energy running away from pain, I face, brace, and embrace it: I batten down the hatches, hoist my sail, and face the wind! :)

Ahoy, mateys!
Julie
P.S. My next post will discuss the origins of our suffering....

From Dis-grace to His Grace

2010-09-02T18:27:00.000-07:00

I'm a fan of TV evangelical preacher, Joyce Meyer. Despite our religious differences, we share a strong faith in and love for Jesus Christ. Her candid, unvarnished portrayal of her emotional and spiritual struggles have aided me in transcending my own unhealthy compunctions and fear. Joyce claims that sharing her "secrets" while bearing testimony of Christ's healing grace is empowering. Oh so true! Sharing her experiences has empowered me! I feel such a kinship with her!

During the past two years I've taught "Strengthening Marriage and Family" classes sponsored by LDS Social Services. Using Joyce Meyer as my role model (and with my husband at my side), I've ascribed to this form of love and healing. During the six-week course sessions, church members poured out a love and acceptance toward each other that I had never previously seen nor experienced. As their fear of judgment gradually evaporated, class members began to speak openly about their personal, marital, and family struggles. Consequently, the power of love and mutual support of the group generated workable, positive solutions. To this day, I feel a distinctively loving bond with former class members when I see them at ward and stake meetings.

Evensong by Daniel Gerhartz

I also admire the "born again" Christians in their ability to find such joy in the atonement of Jesus Christ. Although they focus on Christ's grace rather than individual works, we Mormons seem so focused on our works, we minimize His grace. Or (if you were like me), we tend to compartmentalize the Atonement as an "afterthought" of our sin. Rather than rejoicing in Christ's willingness and ability to atone for our sins, we beat ourselves mercilessly with guilt-inducing phrases: "How many drops of His blood were shed for me?" or, "Every time we commit a sin, we're adding to Christ's suffering." (How dare we? How could we be so terrible?) My intent is not to minimize Christ's tortuous suffering. However, I don't think He expects us to condemn ourselves for His willingness to atone for our inevitable sins. Colleen G. Harrison, author of "He Did Deliver Me from Bondage" discusses this subversive, perfectionistic mindset:

A friend and I were once discussing the phenomenon of 'perfectionism' and how prevalent it seemed to be among the LDS communities we had lived in. She recounted to me that she had heard a General Authority say that one of the worst things the Saints can do for each other is to appear perfect--that by refusing to admit our struggles and maintaining instead the appearance of perfection, we sow seeds of discouragement. My friend and I continued to talk of how we had fallen prey to this lie ourselves. We shared stories of the inhumane amount of commitment and pressure we had taken upon ourselves and exercised upon our families. Tender family relationships had been damaged by our private (and sometimes hysterical) efforts to appear as perfect as possible to others, to hide the weaknesses in ourselves and our families. We thought we were failing the Church, and even the Lord Himself, if we didn't always put our "best foot forward" (p. 63).

Hindsfeet by Daniel Gerhartz

We can easily and quickly pound ourselves into a painful, solitary confinement in our quest to "qualify," to fit in, to be accepted, to be found "worthy" and even admired when we ignore the grace of our Savior. Colleen Harrison says she "assumed a spirit of fear--fear of the judgment of others, fear of not setting a good example as a member of the Church. I didn't want anyone to think the Gospel wasn't working, lest they think it wasn't true" (p. 65). Sound familiar? We can also pass this "not good enough" fear onto our kids. You'd think leaving these mindsets behind would be easy. It's not. A whole lot of courage is a prerequisite. According to Sister Harrison:

I faced one of the most terrifying truths I had ever faced. I had to become willing to acknowledge and accept my real self, my "compound" self, my whole self---shortcomings, foolish choices, imperfect behavior, and all. And like King Benjamin, I had to be willing to confess to others that I am only a 'mortal man,....subject to all manner of infirmities in body and mind' (Mosiah 2:10-11). To admit weakness is not a sin (p. 66).

So how do we measure a healthy balance between our desires to live righteously and unhealthy perfectionism? As stated in my last post, I spent years prayerfully analyzing and then uncovering my unhealthy mindsets. Dr. David Seamands, in his book, "Healing for Damaged Emotions," outlines negative perfectionistic symptoms:

Tyranny of the oughts. Its chief characteristic is a constant, overall feeling of never doing well enough or being good enough. This feeling permeates all of life, but especially affects our spiritual lives. The three favorite phrases of the perfectionist are: "could have," "should have," "would have." Always standing on tiptoe, always reaching, stretching, trying, but never quite making it.
Self-depreciation. The connection between perfectionism and low self-esteem is obvious. You are never quite good enough, you feel a continuous sense of self-depreciation. [Since] you aren't satisfied, the next step is quite natural: God is never really pleased with you either. He's always saying, "Come on now, you can do better than that!" And you reply, "Of course." So back to the spiritual salt mines you go, with increased efforts to please yourself and an increasingly demanding God who is never satisfied. You always fall short, you are inadequate.
Anxiety.  This produces a giant umbrella of guilt, anxiety, and condemnation. Like a great cloud, the umbrella hangs over your head. Once in a while it lifts and the sun shines through. But soon you fall off your [spiritual experience] with a sickening thud. Those same dreaded feelings settle in again. The general sense of divine disapproval, and comprehensive condemnation return, nagging and knocking at the back door of your soul.
Legalism.  The perfectionist rigidly overemphasizes external do's and don'ts, rules, and regulations. The perfectionist with a fragile conscience, low self-esteem, and automatic guilt is very sensitive to what other people think of him (or her). Since he cannot accept himself, and is quite unsure of God's approval, he needs the approval of others. Every sermon gets to him. The do's and don'ts pile up as more and more [fellow church members] need to be pleased.
Anger. He may not realize it, but deep in his heart a kind of anger is developing. Resentment against the oughts, against [the church], against other [church members], against himself, and...God. Not against God Himself....but against a caricature of a god who is never satisfied.
Denial. Too often this anger is not faced but denied.  Because anger is considered a sin, it is pushed down. Under the stress and the strain of trying to live with a self that he can't like, a god he can't 'love,' and other people he can't get along with [or please], the strain can become too much.

Obviously, Mormon doctrine calls for our ultimate perfection and the hope of its availability as we progress in the next life. Conversely, unhealthy "perfectionism" is just plain cruel. Dr. Seamands observes:

These perfectionists have been programmed to unrealistic expectations, impossible performance, conditional love, and theology of works. (In my words, an unhealthy emphasis or unbalance on works.) They can't get rid of this pattern overnight. The change requires time, process, understanding, healing....the renewal of the mind that brings transformation" (p. 85).

We all want to be happy. Yet, authentic happiness takes work: the courageous work of self-analysis and behavioral change. In my opinion, the notion and/or image of the "perfect" Mormon woman or the "perfect" Mormon family is simply its own brand of dysfunction. Yes, we're all living in varying degrees of dysfunction and frailty---so let's find a degree of acceptance toward our dysfunctional, frail selves, our frail husbands, our frail kids....and each other! :)

Here's to achieving a healthy balance between our "dis-grace" and His grace,

Julie

From 'Dis-ease' to 'At-Ease'

2010-08-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

As a high-schooler and young adult, I took pride in my scrupulous, "legalistic obedience" to Mormon doctrine. Yep, I was really good at "obeying"....and beating myself up. To some degree, my attitude served a purpose: I stayed out of teenage trouble. However, my conscience operated on overdrive fueling my guilt, anxiety, and need for approval. Without realizing it, I worshiped my religious "rules" and other's opinions of me more than I worshiped God. And I don't think I'm alone in my Mormon experience. (Surely, this type of insecurity, guilt, and "arrogance" blights every organized religion and/or group. But due to our doctrine of perfection, we Mormons seem especially vulnerable.) Thankfully, I began to change my inner compass by the time I reached 30. But another 10-12 years would pass before I completely broke free of my distorted thinking. No doubt, my tainted lens hampered my ability to love myself and others. And my disproportionate emphasis on rules crippled my spiritual and emotional growth. Yes, obedience to divine decree through scripture and prophetic counsel is essential. On the other hand, forever fencing core doctrines with our individual interpretive rules and regulations (while judging fellow church members) serves no righteous purpose. Indeed, we can be religious and be unhappy!

Dr. David Seamands, in his book "Healing for Damaged Emotions" aptly defines my former predicament:
"Perfectionism is a counterfeit for Christian perfection, holiness, sanctification, or the Spirit-filled life. Instead of making us holy persons and integrated personalities--that is, whole persons in Christ--perfectionism leaves us spiritual Pharisees and emotional neurotics" (p. 78).
Yep, that was me alright. The Apostle Paul warned against this pernicious and divisive rule/law orientation: "But there be some that trouble you and would pervert the gospel of Christ" (Gal. 1:6). Additionally, he warned the Galatians against listening "to other voices" or "another gospel" in the public squares. Most importantly, Jesus Christ condemned the hypocritical, self-righteous Pharisees and Saducees---more so than any other sinners. As we know, these rabbis were so focused on religious legalism and ridiculous regulations, they failed to recognize the Messiah. In just three short years of Christ's ministry, these religious leaders could no longer tolerate Christ's criticism of their sanctimony and "worship" of Mosaic law. So, they killed Him. And by the same token, this overly legalistic orientation crucifies our spiritual and emotional health.

The Moment of Discovery by Daniel Gerhartz

"Disease" means literally "dis-ease." As imperfect individuals, we exist in a perpetual state of emotional and spiritual "dis-ease." What's more, this "dis-ease" becomes increasingly harmful and insidious because we can see its symptoms in others, but cannot recognize symptoms in ourselves. Thankfully, the atoning power of Jesus Christ heals our "dis-ease." But in order to heal, I first had to recognize my sickness as a "sickness." Thus, distinguishing my unhealthy disconnects between spiritual and emotional health and strict adherence to Mormon doctrine was a process---sort of like "separating the wheat from tares." My careful analysis (and Christ's healing power) set me free through the following observations of my "dis-ease:"

Learning to recognize the difference between "perfect obedience" to Jesus Christ and "obedient perfection" to the perceived "letter of the law." Ultimately, I made the conscious choice to follow Christ rather than kill myself trying to conform to endless "unofficial" rules (intentionally or unintentionally) created by fellow church members.

My rigid, overemphasis on religious externals triggered an automatic guilt response effectively undermining my spiritual and emotional growth. My insecurity and self-doubt left me too vulnerable to the opinions of fellow Mormons and their various interpretations of Mormon doctrine. Learning to trust my own spiritual and emotional instincts was akin to riding a roller-coaster. I now balance the power of personal revelation with a complementary relationship to Church doctrine.

Wearing a perpetual "halo" as a means to impress or gain approval from fellow church members created a "yoke of bondage" for me and for those around me. In other words, my "halo effect" had a tendency to foster unnecessary guilt and competitiveness in my relationships---regardless of my intent.

I feel a real freedom in exposing my imperfections and struggles to the Mormon world. I no longer have to "look" perfect and it's very liberating. Dr. David Seamands agrees: "Immature and sensitive believers can become neurotic perfectionists who are guilt-ridden, tight-haloed, unhappy, and uncomfortable. They are rigid in their outlook, frigid in their lovelessness, conforming to the approval and disapproval of others. Yet, in a strange paradox, they critically judge, blame, and bind those same others" (p.82).

As I've stated before, Jesus Christ isn't nearly as judgmentally "mean and scary" as I thought He was. Surely, we've all struggled with our "Mosaic issues." But if we stay stuck in our sickness or "dis-ease," we miss out in feeling the Savior's pure love and learning to purely love ourselves and others.

Sadly, too many Mormons lose their faith and/or leave the Church due to this poisonous "dis-ease." And who can blame them? Whether we contaminate ourselves or others (usually it's a combination of both) this "dis-ease" can be fatal; we become increasingly demoralized to the point of emotional and spiritual breakdown. Yes, we're all spiritually sick in varying degrees. To promote our wellness, perhaps we can look upon our beloved Church as a merciful "hospital" for healing the spiritually sick---rather than a type of "showcase" for individual perfectionism. Jesus Christ, the ultimate physician, said "they that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick" (Matt.9:12). Surely, He's speaking to all of us!

Here's to our health,
Julie

P.S. My next post will detail my healing process....

Because Death Is Birth, I've Learned To Die

2010-08-15T15:21:00.000-07:00

I've learned to die. Even better, I've learned to die "well." For me, my deaths equate to re-births. Dying and birthing is hard work, but each loss brings its own gain. (Like they say, "No pain, no gain.") Our mortal birth actually began with our pre-mortal "death." Our calendared time sequences and seasons symbolize our emotional and spiritual deaths and rebirths. Scott Peck underscores this notion in his book, "The Road Less Traveled:"

"It is abundantly clear that this lifetime is a series of simultaneous deaths and births. And what will amaze you even more, throughout life one must learn to die. It is also clear that the farther one travels on the journey of life, the more births one will experience, and therefore the more deaths---the more joy and the more pain. The pain of giving up is the pain of death, but death of the old is birth of the new. The pain of death is the pain of birth, and the pain of birth is the pain of death. For us to develop a new and better idea, theory, or understanding means that an old idea, concept, theory, or understanding must die" (p. 74-75).

The Book of Mormon reiterates this idea: "Men and women must be born again; yea, changed from their carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters. And thus they become new creatures; and unless they do this, they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God" (Mosiah 27:25-26). I've died some difficult, protracted deaths, but my "need to be right" death was pandemic! :) My "right fight" flared in two ways:

My need to be right when in conflict with my husband and kids.
My assumption that Mormonism made me "right" when interacting with "the world" (meaning non-Mormons or "the Other").

A Quiet Place by Daniel Gerhartz

(A lot of Mormons seem to struggle with the second one---my non-member and less-active friends will readily confirm that). My "rightness" death was a slow process. While a student at San Jose State, some of my professors and fellow students attempted to "emancipate" me from my "provincial, archaic" beliefs. In turn, I pushed back against their "wrongness" in rejecting my religious and/or Mormon frame of reference. To neutralize my growing anger and resentment, I prayed...a lot. And cried. A merciful God held my hand as I died in my old "I'm right, you're wrong" paradigm, and simultaneously coached me as I birthed a deeper spiritual and emotional maturity. Hence, I began to discern the negative consequences of my "right" stance: In order for me to be "right," the other person or group ("the Other") had to be "wrong." This competitive, self-serving posturing impedes pure, unconditional love. Furthermore, every person has a truth and every truth has merit. Yes, these concepts sound simple enough, but consistently living them requires enormous self-discipline and courage.

I continue to evolve: I'm re-born just to die again. Loss still piles upon loss. And I still fear being "wrong." But like I said earlier, I've grown accustomed to the discomfort of death and re-birth. Every now and then, I watch the movie, The Ten Commandments. Though historically inaccurate, I love Charlton Heston's portrayal of Moses and his life of contradictions---which, in some ways, parallel our own. Raised in the comforts of Egyptian royalty and privilege, Moses' existence depends upon Hebrew oppression/slavery. His occasional superficial interaction with slaves does little to validate their right to exist. In short, why think about slaves (or "the Other") when one is a prince? Reality eventually clashes with his own version. To gain a truer sense of himself, Moses voluntarily condescends into Hebrew culture as a fellow slave. He slogs in the mud pits along side them while feeling the lash of the oppressor's whip. His eyes now opened, he sees "the Other"---not through his "princely" perception of them but through their own perception of themselves. In other words, he sees them as they see themselves and through this experience, he is re-born.

As Moses' old paradigm dies, his social conscience arises. A new sense of love, compassion, and fairness are born within. Thus, he not only delivers the Hebrews from oppression, he is simultaneously delivered from spiritual and emotional bondage through Jesus Christ. Moses' journey is truly phenomenal. What prince denounces his throne to become a slave? (It's so easy to judge "the Other" while sitting comfortably on our own perches, isn't it? It takes real guts to expose ourselves to the suffering and hopes of individuals and/or groups who oppose---or fail to live up to--our own paradigms.) In doing so, Moses comes to understand the Hebrews' sense of justice and anger. He learns what bondage and oppression feels like from the other side. Loss upon loss uncovers his own spiritual and emotional bondage as an Egyptian prince---coupled with his complicity in Hebrew oppression. (The Lord surely tutored me in a similar fashion; these movie scenarios mirror my own experiences at San Jose State.)

Essence of Spring by Daniel Gerhartz

Truly, Moses' losses serve to implement his rebirth as an instrument in delivering the Hebrews. I love the ultimate irony portrayed in the movie: As Pharaoh (not Prophet), Moses could have easily freed the slaves through his own political power by simply changing the law. Thus, no emotional pain, no spiritual death, no struggle in re-birth. (And no broken romance with Princess Nefertari!) Conversely, he would have had no emotional or spiritual empowerment equating to his own (and Hebrew) deliverance. (Nor would he have married awesome Zipporah!)

Whether portrayed in movies or in the scriptures, Moses' life was a compilation of struggle and defiance, of achievement and disaster, of humiliation and glory, of holiness and sin; a patchwork of paradox, contradiction, deaths, and rebirths. Does this sound like your life too? If we, as LDS sisters, are to be the strong, enduring "metal" in our families, our wards, and communities, are we ready for the Maker's hand? Yep, dying is a drag. But giving birth, while super hard, is joyful!

Here comes another Lamaze class! ---Julie

I'm Not Okay, You're Not Okay, and That's Okay!

2010-08-10T12:25:00.000-07:00

I'm a recovering "approval addict." For years, my subconcious life's mission was to gain and maintain the approval of my fellow Mormons. Surely, their acceptance of me was indicative of God's acceptance. (Have you felt this way too....just a little?) My bout with depression served as my wake-up call. Thus, for the sake of my emotional health, I turned to God (and Zoloft). His response to me: "I love you." And I didn't believe Him--not really. (After all, a Heavenly Father is supposed to love His children.) Undeterred, God kept at me--gradually erasing my negative, dogmatic assumptions regarding His character and disposition: I didn't have to earn Heavenly Father's love. He loved me. Period. (Gee, who would've thought?!)

I no longer vacillate between the love of my Heavenly Father and the love and/or acceptance of fellow Latter-Day Saints. And I no longer suffer from depression. With the help of the Spirit, I reorganized my emotional "house" derived from D&C 109:

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God. And that they [me]may grow up in thee, and receive a fulness of the Holy Ghost, and be organized according to thy laws, and be prepared to obtain every needful thing.

In other words, the Spirit advised me to:

Stop wearing my self-condemnation as a badge of honor. Forever flailing myself is not indicative of my devotion to the Savior nor to Mormonism.
Stop using fellow Mormons' personal standards of "righteousness" as a measuring tool for my own worthiness. Ultimately, we all live gospel doctrine through our individual perceptions and interpretive lens. (I've often wondered if the summation of all these endless variations of rules and expectations surrounding LDS doctrine would demoralize the Prophet himself?!)
Stop assuming that Heavenly Father is disappointed and/or annoyed at my inability to be perfect.
Stop assuming that Heavenly Father's love is as limited and conditional as our humanistic love for each other.
Stop trying to avoid the judgment of others. They'll judge. We all do.
Stop taking endless inventory of my imperfections. Focus and utilize my strengths in serving Jesus Christ as a productive counterweight.
Most importantly, learn to live for the audience of one: Jesus Christ.

Follow Me by Daniel Gerhartz

That last one is surprisingly difficult. My knee-jerk response will always be to "win the crowd." (Think Sally Field and her academy award acceptance speech: "You like me! You REALLY like me!!") Surely, we all (on some level) desire the acceptance of others. Unfortunately, I spent a lot of years (and negative energy) "dutifully" abiding by the "expectations" of fellow church members. With Christ as my tutor, my spiritual and emotional autonomy knows no bounds. And, I'm no longer held hostage by what others may or may not think of me.

Jesus Christ has taught me the difference between examining myself and judging myself. Too often, self-judgment equates with self-condemnation. Speaker Joyce Meyer advises us to make peace with our imperfections with this reminder: "I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

Here's to the audience of "The One,"
Julie

Got Keys?

2010-08-03T23:04:00.000-07:00

Imagine existing in a prison cell that measures only 4 ft. in height and 4 ft. in width. You cannot fully stand up, nor can you lie down; you can only exist in a perpetual squat. You hear no sound, you see no light, you breathe no circulated air. Such was the terrible fate of medieval England’s most notorious political prisoners. Aptly named “The Little Ease” (because of the body’s limited ease), this dismal dungeon was the Tower of London’s most efficient method of torture. I’ve often pondered the mindset of these prisoners enconsced in physical and emotional torment. Did they go insane? Did they find God? If they found God, how did He ease their suffering? How would He have delivered them? Did God hasten their deaths or instead, provide a mechanism for escape---like a divine key or something to unlock the prison door? (Think Peter, Alma and Amulek--to name a few.) Lastly, I think about the prisoners' transition of suffering into the realm of sacred suffering-- thus transforming the Little Ease into a sacred place.

I often spend time in my own “Little Ease." It, too, is a black, oppressive abyss. It's also, at times, a sacred place. Sometimes, the hurtful actions of other people flush me into its depths. Other times, my own sins and fallibilties shove me through its prison door. But, here's a contradiction for you: My Heavenly Father often coaxes me into the Little Ease for my own spiritual and emotional growth. Once inside--and only if I allow Him to---my Savior, Jesus Christ nurses and binds my wounds through His healing, atoning power. The process is excruciatingly painful, and it ain't pretty. My old scabs of denial and self-delusion are lanced, the infection squeezed out, the open wounds stitched closed---with no anesthesia. Yet, in the aftermath, I feel exceedingly joy and peace! (Christ isn't kidding when He says, "the truth shall set you free.")

The Dawn of Hope by Daniel Gerhartz

Truly, my Little Ease is a paradoxical place. In its darkness, I come to see the light. In my discomfort, I find comfort. In my sickness, I find healing. In my lonliness, I’m not alone. In my despair, I find hope. In my weakness, I find strength. In my fear, I find courage. In my self-deception, I find truth. Most importantly, in my bondage, I find freedom.

Attaining this freedom comes at a price---and with a contradictory contingent: We must be willing to voluntarily descend into our Little Ease. Scott Peck discusses this notion in his book, "The Road Less Traveled:"

“What does a life of total dedication to truth mean? It means, first of all, a life of continuous and never-ending stringent self-examination. We know the world only through our relationship to it. Therefore, to know the world, we must not only examine it but we must simultaneously examine the examiner. Truth or reality is avoided when it is painful. We can revise our [reality to truth] only when we have the discipline to overcome that pain. We must always consider our personal discomfort relatively unimportant and, indeed, even welcome it in the service of the search for truth. Mental health (and I would argue spiritual health) is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs. Self-examination is what leads to wisdom. There are plenty of smart people, who are unwise” (p. 50-51).

The Book of Mormon also highlights this principle in Ether 12: 27: "And if men come unto me, I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they maybe humble….and if they have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

Surely, hearing hard truths about ourselves is no fun. But, I've learned to be a quick study in my Little Ease; the sooner I learn what I need to learn, the sooner I can get the heck out! The line from a song written and performed by "The Eagles" rock band is enlightening: “So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key.”

On to victory,
Julie

Wanna Walk On Water? Get Out of The Boat!

2010-07-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid. Always. Even if there's nothing to fear, I'll find my way to it! My shaky self-confidence is the well-spring of much of my anxiety--making me particularly susceptible to stings of criticism and rejection. (Ironically, divine intervention led me to my career as a college instructor. I can't bring myself to read "ratemyprofessor.com!") Mostly, I fear various forms of truth---especially facing and confronting negative truths about myself.

Returning by Daniel Gerhartz

But, here's my greatest accomplishment: I've learned to do it afraid. I'd rather "drown" than stay stuck in my boatload of fears! I love the Apostle Peter. I love his impetuousness and his zeal. He was also the only disciple courageous enough to get out of the boat and walk on water toward Jesus Christ. Ok, so Peter sank... his courage was still admirable. At least Christ caught him before Peter completely went under---that's comforting, right? :) Speaker, Joyce Meyer reminds us that Jesus Christ is not found in our boatload of fears. Rather, He's out on the water and beckons us to step out and walk toward Him. Most likely, we'll feel increased anxiety as we "water-walk," and like Peter, we'll probably sink a few times along the way. On the other hand, as with Peter, Christ will not let us drown.

Peter's fear of persecution also resonates with me. As an Apostle in Christ's inner circle, he was an obvious target. And even though Peter fell short a few times, he eventually transcended his fear of persecution. Following Christ's crucifixion, he spent the rest of his life bravely preaching to the Jews. After a particularly vicious public beating, the scriptures tell us how Peter left the village "rejoicing that [he] was counted worthy to suffer shame for [Christ's] name" (Acts. 5:41). Finally, years later, he was crucified (some sources say he hung upside down on a cross). All of this, from a guy who had previously denied (three times) even knowing Jesus Christ.

"Fear not," is an oft repeated phrase throughout the scriptures. Perhaps the Lord is not talking so much about a feeling, but rather a conscious decision. Joyce Meyer makes a valid point when she says, "You can feel the emotion of fear and still 'fear not.' The scriptures don't say 'shake not, tremble not, sweat not'....they say 'fear not." You can do a lot of things while you're shaking" (joycemeyer.org).

I would imagine that as we examine our individual lives, we'll find fear to be the consistent, recurring theme which undermines our relationships with ourselves, with others, and with Jesus Christ. Moreover, fear steals our joy.

Let's not let fear keep us from our destiny!
Julie

P.S. If you still can't get out of the boat, row ashore and try wading into the water--feet first....;)

Pitiful Or Powerful? We Can't Be Both

2010-07-25T18:04:00.000-07:00

This phrase has been my mantra for a long time. Evangelist, Joyce Meyer, shouted these words from my TV screen one morning--jolting me out of a lackluster treadmill jaunt and into a far more lively, challenging workout: exercising my will (and my choice) to stop feeling sorry for myself! Unaware that I was even a self-pity partyer, the Spirit prodded me into the painful process of self-analysis: my deeply entrenched assumptions, attitudes, and judgments about myself and others. Mercifully, the Spirit didn't reveal to me all of my bratty, self-serving neuroses at once--otherwise, I would've freaked out even more. :) Yep...I was a perpetual victim, alright: my husband had a lot of nerve being imperfect--not to mention my kids! And what's up with people who didn't think and act according to my standards?! How dare they?? Gee, if only the world would just act like me, we'd surely have global peace. Yikes! I hadn't realized how much time I'd spent in the corner eating my can of "it's not fair" worms.

Self-pity and soliciting sympathy from others pays off (on some level), or we wouldn't engage in these behaviors. Let's face it: manipulation through pity and guilt works! And justifying these attitudes about ourselves and others works too---to keep us enslaved and powerless. Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled tells us a simple solution to empowering ourselves:

"We cannot solve life's problems except by solving them. This statement may seem idiotically self-evident, yet it is seemingly beyond the comprehension of much of the human race. This is because we must accept responsibility for a problem before we can solve it. We cannot solve a problem by saying 'It's not my problem.' We cannot solve a problem by hoping that someone else will solve it for us. I can solve a problem only when I say 'This is MY problem and it's up to me to solve it.' But many, so many, seek to avoid the pain of their problems by saying to themselves: 'This problem [in me] was caused by other people, or by social circumstances beyond my control, and therefore it is up to other people or society to solve this problem for me. It's not really my personal problem'" (p. 33).

Lantern's Warmth by Daniel Gerhartz

Yes, we might temporarily feel exonerated and powerful by refusing to own our problems and emotions. Denial is just plain easier...at first. But ultimately, my denial kept me stuck in the mire of powerlessness. When I realized that I could, indeed, choose my emotions, I chose to feel powerful, not pitiful! Thus, I'm even happier now---and so is my husband. ;)

Got power?
Julie

We Can Do This! Yes, We Can!

2010-07-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness by Daniel Gerhartz

Got issues? So do I. And I'm ok with that...finally! Accepting myself has emotionally and spirtually empowered me: I've stopped expending exhorbitant amounts of negative energy wishing that I was "good enough," "helicopter-mom-y enough," obedient-to-gospel-standards enough," and...well, "Mormon-y enough" (the list is deplorably endless). When I stopped examining myself through these distorted, guilt-ridden, and disempowering lenses, Jesus Christ stepped in. He patiently prodded me to see myself more as He sees me. And, to see others more like He sees them. Consequently, I began to understand the notion of unconditional love toward myself and others. Now, I am soaring!

I love the scripture in the book of Isaiah and in the D&C 82:14 which compels us to "increase in beauty, and in holiness; her borders must be enlarged; her stakes must be strengthened....arise and put on her [our] beautiful garments." Through the atoning and healing power of Jesus Christ we are able to adorn and empower ourselves individually and collectively. We invite you to join Ariane and me in this adorning process.

Whether you're liberal, conservative, single, married, a stay-at-home mom, work-outside-the-home-mom, Molly Mormon, Sweet Spirit, Stepford Wife, Patty Perfect, Psuedo Patty Perfect, closet Coke/Pepsi drinker (or loud and proud), old, young, or none-of-the-above, we value your experiences and perceptions and hope you share them with us. We need each other as we ready and poise ourselves (and our families) for the Savior's coming. We can do this....yes, we can!

Here's to all of us,
Julie